Bad joke corner

[ccfcchris]

When do you kick a midget in the balls?

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

 

[ccfcchris]

My blonde wife forgot our anniversary

"Where's the romance gone?" I moaned

"Who cares?" she replied "At least they left us with straight roads"

 

[ccfcchris]

Bit of footy trivia.

Did you know Manchester United player Danney Welbeck's South African grandad was a bomb desposal expert in WW11

Yes its true his name was STAN

 

[Disorganised1]

When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia it was music to my arse.

 

[WillieStanley]

Bloke goes into a bar and nails a quadruple whiskey in one. Barman says "What's up?"

Bloke says "I came home from work early to find my wife sucking off my best friend."

"What did you do?" asked the barman.

"I told her to pack her things and fuck off!"

"And what about your best friend?"

"I looked him straight in the eye and said 'BAD DOG, NO BISCIUTS'"

 

[ccfcchris]

Kenny Dalglish. Worst 'Pool manager since Micheal Barrymore

 

[ccfcchris]

The FA confirmed Duran Duran to release 2012 song: "His name is
Rio and he watches from the stands".

 

[ccfcchris]

Kenny Dalglish has always being regarded as one of their own by Liverpool fans
this has been hightened by the fact that he is now unemployed.

 

[ccfcchris]

After a trophyless season and a run of disappointing results Man Utd this morning announced the sacking of Howard Webb...

 

[ccfcchris]

Chelsea's celebrations ended Sunday afternoon following an open top parade, with, entirely appropriately, the parking of the bus.

 

[smileycov]

Lampard and Drogba celebrated Chelsea's Champions league win by having an orgy with 6 German super models, when it was over John Terry came in and high fived everyone as if he was involved!!

 

[ccfcchris]

A blonde is sick of being labled a 'dumb blonde' so goes to the hairdressers to buy a brunette wig

"How much are they?" she asks

"£30 plus the tax"' replies the hairdresser

"Forget the tax" she replies
"I'll use glue.."

 

[ccfcchris]

Eamonn Holmes is to present a new chat show on SKY, his first new presenting job in five years.

Good to see him bouncing back.

 

[ccfcchris]

A healthy sex life is what keeps my marriage strong.

And it will continue too as long as my wife doesn't find out.

 

[ccfcchris]

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

[ccfcchris]

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops



My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 

[ccfcchris]

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea.



A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"



Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

 

[ccfcchris]

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't
eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."

 

[ccfcchris]

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."




Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody."

 

[ccfcchris]

Did you hear about the vagrant who walked up to a Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.





Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

 

[ccfcchris]

Love it when my wife puts on her nurses uniform.

It means it's time for the fat cow to go to work

 

[Hugh Jarse]

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider sucking my cock.I told her I fully understood and respected her decision.​

I said I'd give her a call nearer the time!​

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I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.​

She was known as oral high Jean.​

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A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.​

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.​

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I was on a train this morning, in the loo.having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"​

"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."​

"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."​

"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"​

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[torchomatic]

A geordie goes into his doctors in Newcastle and says "Doctor, I have a terrible problem. Every time I lift my arms up I can smell coconuts'' and the doctor said ''Aye lad, you're bounty''.

 

[johnniericoh]

A repeat but still makes me smile:

Doctor Doctor when I lift my arm up it hurts

Don't lift it then !!

 

[Disorganised1]

They're going to re-make Snakes On A Plane for children.

It'll be called Eels On The Bus.

 

[KelV6]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
" I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

 

[KelV6]

A friend of mine fell & drowned in a bowl of muesli

He was pulled under by a strong currant..

 

[smileycov]

I went to a Seafood Disco............Pulled a Muscle!

 

[smileycov]

Harry Redknapp will receive £3 Million in compensation after being sacked by Tottenham, so after Tax he should get.............about £3 Million

 

[blueflint]

statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy

 

[blueflint]

conjunctivitis.com a sight for sore eyes

 

[Oliver Howell]

Interesting

write more and more, but clear and long so we can understand easily. otherwise as like you as......

.:wave:

 

[Hugh Jarse]

write more and more, but clear and long so we can understand easily. otherwise as like you as......

.:wave:

Oliver, you might want to change your location in your profile. I seriously wouldn't advise giving what looks like your home address!!

 

[smileycov]

The goverment have warned about fake Olympic tickets, i have just checked my Wheelchair Triple Jump ones, seem in order to me!

 

[smileycov]

John Terry's trial has been delayed, JT has not arrived as yet and his lawyer's wife is missing too.