Bad joke corner

[skyblueprincess]

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee lol

 

[skyblueprincess]

Two crisps walking down the street ............ Car pulls up and says to the crisps get in

The crisps replied No were "Walkers "

 

[Hugh Jarse]

I hear that Fabrice Muamba was watching Match of the Day at the weekend wearing a Get Well Soon Liverpool shirt!

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Knock, knock

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

A pizza walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we don’t serve food in here.

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

Q. Where do horses live?
A. In neigh-bourhoods.

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

Q: Why did the golfer wear two sets of trousers?
A: In case he got a hole in one!

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks.

‘I have a case of anal glaucoma,’ she says in a weak voice.

‘What the hell is anal glaucoma?’

‘I can’t see my ass coming into work today.

 

[We'll_live_and_die]

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?
A: It was just a stage he was going through.

 

[scroobiustom]

Love his face...

 

[dutchman]

Knock, knock

Who's there?

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Who's there?

Probably that skyblueprincess, rat tat ginger!

 

[Disorganised1]

What do we want ?

A cure for tourette's

when do we want it ?

Wanker

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Don't mess with me matey boy!

Some w

ker of a taxi driver cut me up the other day, but as luck would have it, I happened to see him a few days later, in his cab, at the front of the taxi queue.

I went to the farthest taxi away from him and said 'How much to town mate?', '£10', he said. 'Perfect', I replied, 'and how much for a blowjob?'. 'Get the f

k out of my taxi you dirty f

ker' was the, somewhat irrational, response I got.

So I went to the next taxi in the queue. 'How much to town mate?', '£10', he said. 'Perfect', I replied, 'and how much for a blowjob?'. 'You dirty scum, get the f

k out' was the response, once again.

I continued down the queue, asking the same questions and getting the same kind of responses from each and every taxi, until I reached the f

ker that cut me up a few days earlier. I got into his taxi and simply asked 'how much to town mate?'. 'That'll be £10 fella', he replied, to which I dutifully nodded, said thanks, and he drove off whilst I leaned out of the window and gave a huge thumbs up and a smile to the other drivers in the queue...

 

[KelV6]

I had an Eskimo ring me the other day, trying to sell me an Igloo!

I really hate cold callers!

 

[CovKingChris]

What do you call a female strawberry picker with no arms or legs?

Jammy Cnt

 

[Hugh Jarse]

I heard that EUFA are appointing a Lifeguard as the forth official for the return leg of Barcelona v Chelsea after Drogba's diving show last night!!

 

[Hugh Jarse]

Half wat throgh last nights second half, the picture went all fuzzy.

So, TV repair man that I am, I got up and give it a good whack. Guess what, that feckin Drogba fell over again

 

[ccfcchris]

My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't effect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.

 

[ccfcchris]

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says..................

"Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[ccfcchris]

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

 

[ccfcchris]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ??


My missus says I'm immature and i have to grow up soon! ..Like that's going to happen so close to conker season.




When I was born the midwife took one look at me and gave my Dad a slap.

 

[sw88]

During Coventry City's darkest hour, Andy Thorn and the board have wasted no time in their search for players. They have recruited Korean striker Lee Gwan

 

[kdrinkell]

Coventry sign Korean player Lee Kwon for next season.



I'll get my coat

 

[ccfcchris]

What do you call a rabbit running down your face?

A stray hair.

 

[ccfcchris]

Just before the Grand National began, I pulled my wife's knickers down.
So I could amuse myself when I heard "And they're off!".

Mind you, I probably shouldn't have been wearing her knickers in the first place.

 

[ccfcchris]

What does this country have in common with my wife's lady bits?

Labour has ruined both of them.

 

[ccfcchris]

Now then" said the Doctor, "if you can remove your trousers and slip your underwear off for me... Thank you. And jump lightly on the spot.. good, good. Nice swing. Now if you can bend over this desk.. place your hands on top. Excellent. Hold still please, you will feel a little cold gel on your anus."

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you do this to all your assistants when they first visit the Tardis?"

 

[ccfcchris]

My wife wanted to spice things up and asked me to play with her breasts. I was pleasantly surprised.

I found a lump.

 

[ccfcchris]

I realise that the jokes don't come much older than this but some are worth another look.



The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper on the first ring, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".

"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In a whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

 

[skybluedan]

after just arriving for my first stint in jail,I spent the next 4 hours getting shagged right up me fuckin arse.............


my dad takes monopoly way to serious...................................

 

[skybluedan]

cant believe the bitch next door nearly knocked me out yesterday.......................

I mean what kind sick women puts chorloform on her dirty knickers...............

 

[hughescov]

Why does a Frenchmen only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg's an oeuf

 

[ccfcchris]

Not saying she's easy, but her rape alarm had a snooze button

 

[ccfcchris]

What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?

The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery........