Jokes (1 Viewer)

OQ_skyblue · Feb 18, 2022

I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to piss off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

LastGarrison · Feb 18, 2022

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

LastGarrison · Feb 19, 2022

When I was growing up I always wanted to be a farmer.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the hay levels.

Wyken Sky Blue · Dec 25, 2022

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

Hand eyeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk

Brighton Sky Blue · Dec 25, 2022

I have lots of friends who are swingers.

They come in different shapes and sizes.

Sky_Blue_Daz · Dec 25, 2022

Seen a one legged fella at the cashpoint earlier , he was checking his balance

Evo1883 · Mar 30, 2024

Brighton Sky Blue · Mar 30, 2024

Don’t get it

Ian1779 · Mar 30, 2024

Brighton Sky Blue said:
Don’t get it

Too young

Evo1883 · Mar 30, 2024

Brighton Sky Blue said:
Don’t get it

Evo1883 · Mar 30, 2024

I know the whole story is a bit grim , but that tweet cracked me up

Sky_Blue_Dreamer · Mar 30, 2024

Evo1883 said:

Those things are a Killer

ccfcchris · Mar 31, 2024

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer-songwriter

Or sew it seams
-

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by rental car.

Said it Hertz
-
A scammer called my gran and told her that he knew all her passwords.

She got a pen and paper to write them down, and said: "Thank goodness for that, what are they?"

Wyken Sky Blue · Apr 1, 2024

Evo1883 said:

Never gonna survive

Sent from my Pixel 8 using Tapatalk

Ian1779 · Apr 1, 2024

ccfcchris · Apr 2, 2024

An old couple enters a cafe in Normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when they sit down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing not far from here during the landing at Normandy.

Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as 2 cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.

"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting in the war all of this is free."

The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear after which he starts smiling as well, shakes the waitress her hand in gratitude and says: "Vielen Dank, das ist sehr nett von Ihnen!"

ccfcchris · Apr 23, 2024

Manchester United's 'Victory' Sunday was thinner than a Lidl black bin liner.

ccfcchris · May 15, 2024

Dog walkers.....

Worst flavour crisp ever!

I'm suing my local fishmonger for selling undersized shellfish. I'm taking him to the small clams court!

I self identify as a fire engine. My name is Dennis and my pronouns are Nee/Nar.

stay_up_skyblues · May 15, 2024

A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers. He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing. He turn and asks the crowd is there anyone else brave enough to try? An elderly lady shakily raise her hand to the now surprised onlookers and says 'I'll have a go, but don't hit me so hard over the head'

Houchens Head · Jan 28, 2025

ccfcchris · Jan 29, 2025

Sorry about my earlier joke about oil. It was a bit crude. I'll make sure they're more refined in future.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

True news report:

"We have to offer a correction to the report in yesterdays paper on the aftermath of the flooding around the Northern Territory. When we reported that one farmer had lost three thousand pigs in the flood, it was actually three sows and pigs..."

I remember visiting my nan in Hospital and she said "I've got something to tell you that's not easy for me to say" I said "what is it"? She said "Ken Dods dad's dogs dead"

ccfcchris · Feb 3, 2025

ccfcchris · Feb 13, 2025

You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.

Bonnie Prince Charlie: The only king to be named after three sheepdogs.

Got this strange feeling that I’m being followed around by a large long-legged bird. I think I’m being storked.

Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.

Houchens Head · Feb 13, 2025

I had a break-in last night ....thieves took my collection of thesauruses and dictionaries ......i'm lost for words

Houchens Head · Feb 13, 2025

My Wife accused me of being a transvestite.

.....so I packed her things and left.

Houchens Head · Feb 13, 2025

I spent an embarrassing few minutes this morning waving at my neighbour before realising that she was cleaning her windows.......

Houchens Head · Feb 13, 2025

My wife said she is fed up with me impersonating flamingos.
So I put my foot down.

Houchens Head · Feb 13, 2025

Men of Britain beware: There's a Valentines Day scam sweeping the Nation whereby you are tricked into receiving a Valentines Gift but it actually turns out to be a set of golf clubs - stay vigilant.......

OQ_skyblue · Feb 13, 2025

I started a band called “1023MB”...
We haven’t got a gig yet.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She gave me a hug.

I don’t need a mood ring,
I have a face.

ccfcchris · Feb 14, 2025

Boss: How is it that you are always sick on weekdays? Me: It’s my weekend immune system.

This morning I saw this fella dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo.

I went for my annual check-up and the doctor said "How come you've put on two stones in the last year? I replied "Well I've had a lot on my plate, recently."

Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fifth one I've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

ccfcchris · Feb 15, 2025

Spike Milligan cracking up.

OQ_skyblue · Feb 17, 2025

Girlfriend came home dressed as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being really good in bed.
After 3 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

ccfcchris · Feb 18, 2025

My wife took off her shirt and bra during an argument where I was winning.

It was a booby trap!

I've started playing football for IKEA, I play in defence, part of a flat pack four!

I offered Bonnie Tyler a Twix, but she refused it. I offered her a Mars Bar, then a Yorkie and finally a Bounty, but she kept saying NO!

I think she was holding out for an Aero...

If anyone wants to talk to me about poor joinery work my door is always open.

Houchens Head · Feb 18, 2025

I told my mate that I call my gaffer, "Thrush".
"Why do you call him that? Does he whistle a lot?"
"No," I said, "he's an irritating c**t!"

ccfcchris · Feb 20, 2025

Due to unforeseen circumstances I won't be doing any more psychic readings.

My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.

Great dad

But a really slow cook.

My pet name for my wife is " Hun"... not as a short term for "honey" but more of a nod towards Atilla...

When my daughter said she was starting a theatre company, I said, "Are you having me on?" She said, "Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything"

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