Jokes

Blind-Faith

Well-Known Member
Mar 19, 2018
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Southam
Went down to Buckingham Palace today to cut the Queens hair , bloke on the gate asked me ‘ Have you got a permit? ‘

I said no I’m just going to take a bit off the back…
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,983
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We had a few people round last night , my nephew fell asleep so as a joke I shaved his eyebrows off and drew a beard on his face . His mum went mad when she looked in the pram
 

baldy

Well-Known Member
Aug 12, 2008
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Booked a room in a hotel the other day & the bloke behind the desk asked me,'And will you be wanting a shower or a bath?' - 'What's the difference?,I replied...to which he said,'Well you stand up in a shower....'
 
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fatso

Well-Known Member
Jun 19, 2017
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Why hasnt the Olympic games marathon race changed its name to the snickers race?
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,983
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My neighbours been hopping over my fence and been stealing my socks

I was going to confront them but I got cold feet
 

Sbarcher

Well-Known Member
Mar 23, 2011
2,824
1,730
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Oxford
Next month I would normally go up to the Edinburgh Fringe for the 1st week. There are some great comedians up there, most you've never heard of. Apart from CCFC, they are a highlight of my year. I would normally see 7-8 shows a day rushing around the City. Absolutely love the buzz.
Hopefully it will return as normal next year, missing my comedy fix!
 
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OQ_skyblue

Member
Jul 17, 2021
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At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs.....looking back I think that's why I had to leave teaching.
 

Covkid1968#

Well-Known Member
Apr 1, 2013
1,562
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South Leics...unfortunately
At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest cock. I used to stroll around the changing room naked, flicking the kids with my towel whilst pointing and laughing at their little knobs.....looking back I think that's why I had to leave teaching.
Haha…. Made me chuckle
 
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Covkid1968#

Well-Known Member
Apr 1, 2013
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South Leics...unfortunately
Next month I would normally go up to the Edinburgh Fringe for the 1st week. There are some great comedians up there, most you've never heard of. Apart from CCFC, they are a highlight of my year. I would normally see 7-8 shows a day rushing around the City. Absolutely love the buzz.
Hopefully it will return as normal next year, missing my comedy fix!
Always fancied it…. How easy is it to get a room/ tickets
 

Sbarcher

Well-Known Member
Mar 23, 2011
2,824
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Oxford
Always fancied it…. How easy is it to get a room/ tickets
Tickets aren't really a problem unless you want to see a named artist, Milton Jones, Reginald D Hunter etc as they may perform only a couple of times in the month. Otherwise, the catalogue is issued May/June time so I normally book up 1/2 my shows (comedy, music, drama, etc) from there and the rest on a daily basis when I'm up there. I've found the best value accommodation is in student halls, decent rooms and a massive breakfast. In the city rooms are expensive, but you'll do less walking being central. Also found it's best to go on your own so there's no issues with what you want to see! Always remember, Edinburgh in August is bloody wet!
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,983
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The wife’s had a go at me earlier saying I’m shite at housework

shes well ungrateful I spent hours mopping that carpet
 

stay_up_skyblues

Well-Known Member
Mar 21, 2011
1,828
1,694
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A policeman flags down a driver. After pulling him over, the policeman approached the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
 

OQ_skyblue

Member
Jul 17, 2021
4
10
53
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.
 

skyblue1991

Well-Known Member
Dec 19, 2012
4,271
2,652
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I had a photo taken with REM last week, here it is
Which one am I? There I am, theres me in the corner.
 
Last edited:
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richnrg

Well-Known Member
Jan 22, 2014
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Next month I would normally go up to the Edinburgh Fringe for the 1st week. There are some great comedians up there, most you've never heard of. Apart from CCFC, they are a highlight of my year. I would normally see 7-8 shows a day rushing around the City. Absolutely love the buzz.
Hopefully it will return as normal next year, missing my comedy fix!
i don't get it
 
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skyblue1991

Well-Known Member
Dec 19, 2012
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What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk
 
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ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
843
531
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A Polish lad went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

'Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

'Read it?’ the Polish lad replied, 'I know the guy.’
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
843
531
143
Accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook

I've just been awarded three government contracts
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,983
3,257
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Rabbit walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager and a cheese and ham toastie
Barman is naturally shocked but serves the rabbit

This goes on for about 2 months and everyday the rabbit has a pint and a cheese and ham toastie .The pub gets very busy and the owner is making money hand over fist

Monday lunch comes and unfortunately the pubs food deliver is late and there no ham.
The rabbit asks for a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, gaffer says we haven’t got any cheese so you want a cheese and onion one , rabbit says yeah ok

Tuesday lunch the rabbit doesn’t come to the pub
Wednesday he doesn’t come this goes on for the rest of the week

Anyway 3 months later the pub has to close due to lack of customers
Final night the gaffer closes the doors and has a pint to himself
The ghost of the rabbit appears to the gaffer , the gaffer says what happened the rabbit says I died of mixamytoasties
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
Someone was stealing my beetroot from my allotment so I watched it all night. Caught them red-handed!
 
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