Jokes

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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I found a mouse in my son's room, but I managed to stamp it to death.
It would've been quicker if there hadn't been a cage around it.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.
That's how excited I was to see my little brother.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
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A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband.
“Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
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ccfcchris

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Sep 3, 2011
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A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene,
got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields,
they made love. When Homer came back from the fields,
they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour
to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields
and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer,"said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you.
Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.
Homer came back to the doctor's office.
What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'.
We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
 

Blind-Faith

Well-Known Member
Mar 19, 2018
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Southam
Went to a fancy dress party dressed as an oven , when I arrived there was another guy dressed as an oven, so I went over to him. He said he thought I was coming as a parrot? I said noooo, I said I was coming dressed as a cookertoo 🤦🏻‍♂️
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
763
485
113
The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he'd been drinking.

That's the last time I use the self-checkout.
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,833
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Bill and Melinda gates are getting divorced
She’s keeping the houses he’s keeping the windows
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
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Far away, in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the warm, azure sea. One was named Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the numerous sharks that patrolled the area.

One day, Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”

As soon as Justin had fixated on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted!” – and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark!

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old pal.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realized that his new, menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn’t believe his luck. Justin figured that if the fish could change him from a prawn to a shark, he could just as readily change him back into a prawn. He begged the cod to return him to his original form and, lo and behold (again), he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(Note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse.)

Looking around the boisterous gathering at the reef, Justin searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked.

“He’s at home, distraught that his best friend went over to the enemy and became a shark,” came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!”

Christian replied, “No way, man, you’ll eat me! You’re a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked!”

Justin cried back, “No, no, I’m not! That was the old me – I’ve changed…

…I’ve found cod and I’m a prawn again, Christian!”
 

Sky_Blue_Dreamer

Well-Known Member
Aug 16, 2018
10,369
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I've been trying to read more and asked a friend if they'd recommend anything. He suggested I try Balzac so I went home and had a go.

Saw him again a few days later and he asked if I'd taken his suggestion. I told him I had but was finding it difficult as I was getting a pain in my neck leaning forward than much to look at my scrotum .
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
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An Irish girl from the country calls at the hospital and says, “I’d like to see an outturn please,”
“You mean an intern,” says the nurse.
“Whatever you call them, I want a contamination,” she says.
"You mean an examination,” says the nurse.
“Yes, I need to see the fraternity ward.”
“You mean the maternity ward.”
“Call it what you like,” says the girl, annoyed, “but I know that I haven’t demonstrated for two months and I think I’m stagnant.”
 

JAM See

Well-Known Member
Apr 29, 2017
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Man goes to doctor.
Says he's depressed.
Says life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says,
"Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says,
"But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”
 

rob9872

Well-Known Member
Mar 21, 2011
10,300
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What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador
 
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ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
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A young lad from Roscommon was about to be married and was asking his granddad about sex:

He asked. "How often should you have it?"

His granddad told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.
Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary."

The young lad then asked his grandda"Well how about you and grandma now?"
His granddad replied. "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" The young fellow asked.
"Well," grandda said. "She goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells. 'F**k you' and I holler back. 'F**k you too.'"
 
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skyblue1991

Well-Known Member
Dec 19, 2012
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Waiter: Welcome to our restaurant, here is the menu. Would you like to hear the specials?
Diner: Yes please
Waiter: You've done too much, much too young...

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but I never got the chants.
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,



"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but.............

HE’S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
Two Chinese gangsters are plotting to burgle a Scottish distillery.
One says to the other "Is it whisky?"
"Yes," replies the other "But not as whisky as a bank wobbery"
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
Woman goes to Doctors and says "I'm getting way too much discharge". Dr says, "Pop your knickers off and get on the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"

She replies "Fucking lovely, but the discharge is in my ear".
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
My children are all diabetic. Well they aren't really, we tell them that to save money on sweets.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
5,629
313
Malvern
What has a fart and a Ford Ka got in common?
Only their owner loves them.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
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Malvern
My dad always used to say, "Yrros my son, if you ever say your name backwards, you'll be sorry."
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,516
5,629
313
Malvern
My wife asked me to put olive oil on the shopping list. Now it's all fucking soggy.
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
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I went to a birthday party at a launderette last night, the highlight was a game of pass the Persil
 

COV

Well-Known Member
May 31, 2021
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Just been down to the local greengrocer and asked for a kilo of carrots
The woman said "hey, we're out of the EU now, we're back to using pounds"
I said "in that case I'll have a kilo of pounds please"

Just got back from Coventry Hospital walk-in centre, and reported that I'd been hurt in a pillow fight
Apparently I have a slight concushion

My mate just got back from watching a sheepdog trial
I asked him "any good?"
He said "not bad, he got a caution and a £50 fine"

Just phone the National Sealife Centre to see what their opening hours are.
The automated answering service said "all calls are recorded for training porpoises"

Tried to enrol on a Cov Uni course doing a degree in construction
They said I need to do a foundation course first

Just asked my mate what his plans were for the day & if he was coming to the City Arms.
He said "first I have to pick up my glasses from Specsavers, after that I'll see"

The Coventry branch of the National Self Depreciation Society is opening up soon
I've already put myself down

My missus just announced out the blue that she's going vegan
Its like I never met herbivore

My mate got arrested for stealing tins of steamed puddings from Asda
He's been told to expect a custardial sentence

Same guy- he started a band last year, they're called "999 megabytes"
They still haven't got a gig