Jokes

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
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376
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Maybe if Rappers spoke more clearly and concisely they could avoid saying: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time
 
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rob9872

Well-Known Member
Mar 21, 2011
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Great Joke 👍
 

LastGarrison

Well-Known Member
Mar 25, 2011
3,624
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My mate rang me this week to tell me he’s been taken into hospital. Luckily it isn’t COVID but he’s been diagnosed with something called the peek a boo virus.
 
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ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
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I dated a feminist from New Zealand who hated puns about inorganic substances.

She believed that mineral the same.
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
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If you are ever bored

phone up the local feminist support group and ask to speak to the man in charge
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
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My friend rang me to say his wife nipped to get a pint of milk Yesterday morning and she’s not been home since
I asked if he was ok and he said yes I’ve got some of that powered stuff
 
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ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
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All these people moaning about covid restrictions...

They need to get out more
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
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Malvern
What takes up 18 parking spaces?
9 Women drivers.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
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Malvern
I can't help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial, things could have turned out differently.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
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Malvern
My wife said "We don't seem to understand each other these days. Why can't we just get along?"
"A long what?" I asked.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again."

"No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
Came home yesterday and realised I had dropped the bit of coke I just bought. I went back outside and saw a Chinese fella, so I asked him ‘Have you seen my cocaine?’ He said “Not since he was in Zulu.”
 
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Covkid1968#

Well-Known Member
Apr 1, 2013
1,394
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South Leics...unfortunately
Came home yesterday and realised I had dropped the bit of coke I just bought. I went back outside and saw a Chinese fella, so I asked him ‘Have you saw my cocaine?’ He said “Not since he was in Zulu.”
Took me a couple of seconds... but got there
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do.”

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says... “Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
The NHS has reassured me that I don't need to worry about self-isolating.

My appearance, my personality and my sense of humour will ensure that nobody will want to be near me.
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,641
2,954
213
Me friends dad died last week , he was the projectionist at the local cinema . His funerals being streamed tomorrow at
1:30
4pm
6:30
7:45 and a late night showing at midnight
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
I'm in a bad place right now...

... not mentally, I just mean I'm in Newcastle
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life".

The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"
 

Sbarcher

Well-Known Member
Mar 23, 2011
2,557
1,493
163
Oxford
The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life".

The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"
Not a joke, but remember when I spotted my first white pubic hair. Went straight for the tweezers but then soon found out it was a losing battle.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
5,365
263
Malvern
I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER OF THIS FORUM!!!
🤬
🤬
🤬

CAN ADMINS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS UNMENTIONABLES. HE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON. THANK YOU!
 
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ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound, unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monk's reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching, he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception."
The monk's reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
682
376
113
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply.
"We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser."
That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.
I know that place.
Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman.
"Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel.
The finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked.
So they apologized and gave us their Presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican.
A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really!
What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F*ck did your hair?"
 

lordy_87

Well-Known Member
Jul 1, 2014
600
522
143
Coventry
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound, unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monk's reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching, he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception."
The monk's reply, "Congratulations.
You have become a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound.
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Ffs
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
5,365
263
Malvern
"I got fired today", I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he replied.
"They don't mess about at Air Traffic Control", I said.



Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"



I was on an engineering website forum today, talking to a guy about a 12mm 1.25 pitch bolt, to which he replied he needed to know about the 8mm 1.25 pitch bolt.
I was in the wrong thread.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
5,365
263
Malvern
I typed "Missing medieval servant" in Google it came up with "Page not found".
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,336
5,365
263
Malvern
My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.
So I emailed him a YouTube video of the Churchill dog riding a skateboard.