shmmeee
Well-Known Member
It’s a joke thread why are you trying to rattle cages? Get a grip.
Jokes (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter ccfcchris
- Start date
It’s a joke thread why are you trying to rattle cages? Get a grip.
ccfcchris
Well-Known Member
I'm not. I saw it as joke. You came in with the put-down acting superior about it.
I won't reply to you anymore as it'll ruin the thread.
Stevie Wonder calls up Quincy Jones on Boxing Day and says "Quincy, just want to say thank you for the Christmas gift, although I have to say the book you got me was very violent and bloodthirsty." Quincy gasps and says "Stevie, that wasn't a book, that was a cheese grater!"
A man on holiday in Florida walks into a bar in a remote part of the Everglades, and sees a sign on the wall - "Free beer for life for anyone who can pass The Test". Intrigued, he goes up to the barman and asks what it involves.
"It's very simple," the old barman says. "And there are three stages. First - there's a bottle of vintage tequila in the corner over there. Local legend says it will give you unlimited courage if you can down it in one."
"Second - out the back you'll find my pet alligator chained up. He's got a very sore tooth, but I can't afford to take him to the alligator dentist. I need someone to rip out the tooth with their bare hands."
"And third - upstairs in the bedroom above the bar is my dear old wife. We were married as childhood sweethearts, but I've never been able to satisfy her sexually. It's my dying wish that she gets the satisfaction she deserves after forty years of loyal marriage."
The holidaymaker winces. "That's preposterous," he says. "The first part is hard enough, and the rest is just ridiculous. I'll just have a pint of lager for now."
Several hours and several pints later, the man starts to feel a bit confident. He puts down his beer and slurs, "Where's that tequila?". Shuffling over to the corner, he picks up the bottle, throws back his neck and chugs the lot, somehow managing to keep the tequila down.
As he slams the bottle back down on the counter, by now he can barely walk. But filled with determination, he swings around and points to the back door. "The alligator!" he declares, before bolting outside.
All the rest of the bar can hear from inside is a terrible commotion - the sound of ripping clothes, the man screaming, the alligator howling in agony. Eventully after what seems like an eternity, the man staggers back inside struggling for breath, his clothes torn, his body covered in scratches and blood.
"Right then!" he announces, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
"It's very simple," the old barman says. "And there are three stages. First - there's a bottle of vintage tequila in the corner over there. Local legend says it will give you unlimited courage if you can down it in one."
"Second - out the back you'll find my pet alligator chained up. He's got a very sore tooth, but I can't afford to take him to the alligator dentist. I need someone to rip out the tooth with their bare hands."
"And third - upstairs in the bedroom above the bar is my dear old wife. We were married as childhood sweethearts, but I've never been able to satisfy her sexually. It's my dying wish that she gets the satisfaction she deserves after forty years of loyal marriage."
The holidaymaker winces. "That's preposterous," he says. "The first part is hard enough, and the rest is just ridiculous. I'll just have a pint of lager for now."
Several hours and several pints later, the man starts to feel a bit confident. He puts down his beer and slurs, "Where's that tequila?". Shuffling over to the corner, he picks up the bottle, throws back his neck and chugs the lot, somehow managing to keep the tequila down.
As he slams the bottle back down on the counter, by now he can barely walk. But filled with determination, he swings around and points to the back door. "The alligator!" he declares, before bolting outside.
All the rest of the bar can hear from inside is a terrible commotion - the sound of ripping clothes, the man screaming, the alligator howling in agony. Eventully after what seems like an eternity, the man staggers back inside struggling for breath, his clothes torn, his body covered in scratches and blood.
"Right then!" he announces, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
ccfcchris
Well-Known Member
Barmaid 'Hello, what can I get you?'
Me 'A pint of bitter please.'
Barmaid 'Whitbread?'
Me 'No thanks but a couple of cream crackers would be nice.'
I've just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat". By R.G. Bargee.
Today is the last day I will be using spray on deodorant. Roll on tomorrow.
I've been expelled from my local English Civil War re-enactment Society because of my Cavalier attitude.
Me 'A pint of bitter please.'
Barmaid 'Whitbread?'
Me 'No thanks but a couple of cream crackers would be nice.'
I've just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat". By R.G. Bargee.
Today is the last day I will be using spray on deodorant. Roll on tomorrow.
I've been expelled from my local English Civil War re-enactment Society because of my Cavalier attitude.
MusicDating
Euro 2016 Prediction League Champion!!
How do you turn a dog into a fox?
Ten beers
Ten beers
ccfcchris
Well-Known Member
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
Captain Dart
Well-Known Member
Sound on play to the end. 
