Jokes

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
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Malvern
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
To get to the other side.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
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Malvern
I was that unpopular as a child even my imaginary friend played with all the other kids.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2011
843
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Emma Raducanu brilliant win, well done indeed, also shows that not all British are afraid of American courts
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
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This moth flies into a chiropodists office the chiropodist says what do you want?
The moth says well to be honest I’m constantly fighting with my wife , we argue all the time , she shows me no affection or respect, truth be told I’ve seen some messages to a moth she works with and I think she’s in a relationship with him. I’d of left years ago if it wasn’t for the kids but my son hates me now he doesn’t talk to me . I hate him in fact I have to constantly restrain myself from hitting him and my daughter talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt
I’m questioning my purpose in life and role in society , I just don’t know what to do .

The chiropodist says well I’m sorryto hear that but you need a therapist or psychiatrist
The moth says yeah I know but your light was on
 
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shmmeee

Well-Known Member
Jul 11, 2011
34,141
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Coventry, United Kingdom, United Kingdom
This moth flies into a chiropodists office the chiropodist says what do you want?
The moth says well to be honest I’m constantly fighting with my wife , we argue all the time , she shows me no affection or respect, truth be told I’ve seen some messages to a moth she works with and I think she’s in a relationship with him. I’d of left years ago if it wasn’t for the kids but my son hates me now he doesn’t talk to me . I hate him in fact I have to constantly restrain myself from hitting him and my daughter talks to me like I’m a piece of dirt
I’m questioning my purpose in life and role in society , I just don’t know what to do .

The chiropodist says well I’m sorryto hear that but you need a therapist or psychiatrist
The moth says yeah I know but your light was on
The original:

 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
5,983
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That’s the one but I couldn’t do it justice
 

rob9872

Well-Known Member
Mar 21, 2011
10,637
5,888
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The wife’s just asked if I’ve seen the dog bowl

I said I didn’t know it could play cricket
Haven't heard that for years - one of my all time favourites. Thanks.
 

JAM See

Well-Known Member
Apr 29, 2017
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This one needs to be spoken out loud and it's a Peter Beardsley one from the Mince.

"There was a kidnapping at my daughter's school yesterday
But it's okay, he soon woke up"
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
What is Rodeo Sex?
It's when you mount your missus from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was far better than you...", and then try to hold on for 10 seconds.
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
'Wolfgang Mozart!' shouted Mozart's friend
'What do you want?' Mozart shouted back.
And then he was eaten by a gang of wolves.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk!"
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,603
5,754
313
Malvern
I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Where's the ladies mate?"
He said, "Just around the corner, on your left."
30 seconds later I went back and said, "They must've gone mate, there's only toilets around there."
 
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OQ_skyblue

Member
Jul 17, 2021
4
10
53
Me: Hi boss, I have been meaning to run something by you?

Boss: sure what is it?

Me: Well, I need a pay rise, and there are actually three other companies that are chasing me.

Boss: which ones?

Me: Gas, electric and water