Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Joe King]

I don't know which is worse.
I have piles and piles of ironing.

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[ccfcchris]

A man and a woman were out having a quiet, candle lit dinner at a corner table in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. But the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table cloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully said to the man,
“Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man looked up calmly and said, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in.”

 

[Ccfc_Addy]

Today's the anniversary of my grandfather's death. He died because nobody in my family knew his blood type. His last words were "be positive" but that was so hard to do with everything going on

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[ccfcchris]

A retired Wick man named Frankie was spending the afternoon at the Perth racetrack, betting on the horses.
Before the fourth race, he noticed a Catholic priest walk out onto the track and gently bless one of the horses standing at the gate.

To Frankie's surprise, that horse — a huge long shot — ended up winning the race.
Before the next race, the priest walked out again and blessed another horse.
Frankie hurried over to the betting window and put a small bet on that horse.
Sure enough, it won too.
Now Frankie was paying very close attention.
For the next race, he watched carefully to see which horse the priest blessed.
He placed a bigger bet on that one.
It won again.
Race after race, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and every single one of them came in first.
Frankie couldn’t believe his luck.
Convinced he had discovered a winning system, he ran to the ATM, withdrew all the money in his savings account, and came back just in time for the final race of the day.
Just like before, the priest walked out onto the track.
This time he stopped beside an old, tired-looking horse with terrible odds.
The priest carefully blessed its forehead.
Then he blessed its eyes.
Then its ears.
Then its hooves.
Frankie grinned from ear to ear.
“This is the one,” he thought.
He rushed to the window and bet every single dollar he had on that horse.
The race started.
And the old horse finished dead last.
Frankie stood there in shock.
After the race, he marched down toward the track and found the priest.
“Father!” Frankie said. “All day long ye blessed horses and I won. But the last one lost by a mile! I just lost every penny I had!”
The priest looked at him kindly and shook his head.

“My son,” he said, “that’s the trouble with you Protestants.”
“You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing… and last rites.”

 

[ccfcchris]

I’d just like to wish you all a happy Christmas.

I know it’s a bit early but I suffer from premature congratulation.

 

[Macca]

"Sorry boss I won't be in today"
"Why not?"
"I'm sick"
"What? Well how sick are you?"
"Well I'm in bed sucking the dog off"

 

[Macca]

"When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Dad, not screaming like his passengers"

 

[ccfcchris]

So true.

 

[OQ_skyblue]

If I have a daughter I'm gonna name her, 'pregnant' so when she meets a man it will go like this, man: hi I'm Dave, Daughter: Hi I'm pregnant... case closed

 

[ccfcchris]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[ccfcchris]

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

 

[ccfcchris]

Oh dear.

 

[Macca1987]

The wife said last night, 'there's a charity event at the local pub for alzheimers, but I can't remember when it is'

 

[rob9872]

The wife said last night, 'there's a charity event at the local pub for alzheimers, but I can't remember when it is'

You also posted this last week

 

[ccfcchris]

A priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty bottle in the car. He says: "Have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
"Good Lord, he's done it again!"

 

[rob9872]

I just met a Chinese drug addict. He said "have you seen my cocaine?" I said "not since he starred in The Italian Job"

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[wingy]

View attachment 55292

Has she payed the national insurance on it about 5% should cover it?

 

[ccfcchris]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties

 

[Ccfc_Addy]

Just got back from a trip to Amsterdam where I ate eggs benedict every day. I haven't had the chance to have any since I got back. I miss my Holland days

 

[Johnnythespider]

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes painted on the side ?
So that when they get back to Port they can Scan da navy in

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[Sky_Blue_Daz]

Some very exciting news

I’ve been offered a job working with the Brittle bones society, £75k a year I work from home 4 days a week , company car and expenses account . I snapped their hand off

 

[Captain Dart]

 

[Ccfc_Addy]

My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you even say such a thing?"

 

[ovduk78]