Jokes (2 Viewers)

ccfcchris · Feb 20, 2025

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot!“

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand! I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky. He is the one I was insulting!“

The police captain says, “You can’t fool us. Everyone knows who the idiot is.

OQ_skyblue · Feb 27, 2025

Why did the transgender man only eat salad?

Because he was a her before.

ccfcchris · Mar 3, 2025

Keir Starmer decided he'd start walking to Parliament every day. At the same street corner he would pass a hooker.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Angela Rayner decided to accompany her boss. As the couple neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, out of the blue the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap b*stard!"

ccfcchris · Mar 3, 2025

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant.

rob9872 · Mar 3, 2025

ccfcchris said:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant.

Tahts fcuinkg azamnig you cnut

Houchens Head · Mar 4, 2025

I was walking through the park earlier, when I heard, "Catch it!" shouted at me.
I looked up, trying to see the ball I was supposed to catch, but it was too late.
I trod in some cat shit!

Captain Dart · Mar 4, 2025

Wow it's pancake day, that creped up fast.

ccfcchris · Mar 7, 2025

Captain Dart · Mar 17, 2025

Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google apps... only through WhatsApp Doc.

Sky_Blue_Dreamer · Mar 17, 2025

Captain Dart said:
Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google apps... only through WhatsApp Doc.

Hopefully t...t..that's all, folks.

ccfcchris · Mar 21, 2025

I had a flat tyre tonight on the A1. I eased my vehicle over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out, and opened the back hatch.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police car pulls up behind me. The officer gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tyre", I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.........

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

ccfcchris · Mar 21, 2025

Last night I made love to my new girlfriend. I was so proud when she said to me 'you’re the biggest I’ve ever had.' Apparently “ditto” wasn’t the right answer.

My neighbour said I'm a bit of a looker Well, Voyeur was the term she actually used.

The Indian restaurant my mate works for is so secretive he had to sign a legal agreement that he wouldn't share their flatbread recipe. Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using.

The people who invented the alphabet first came up with the letters ABCDEFGJKLMNPQUVWXZ And the rest is HISTORY.

andrew.roberts · Mar 21, 2025

ccfcchris said:
View attachment 41885

This was taken in Delhi last year

ccfcchris · Mar 22, 2025

Two old Colonel Blimp-style old duffers sitting on a bus, having a discussion, A younger woman gets on and sits in the seat in front, and can hear exactly what is being said.

First old duffer: 'I tell you Carruthers, it is spelt W O O M Woom"!'

Second old duffer: 'Balderdash Smythe, my chap tells me it is spelt W H O O M B, Whoomb'

The younger lady sitting in front of them turns round and says 'Gentlemen, I am an English teacher, and I can assure you it is spelt W O M B, Womb.'

Both old duffers look at her for a second, and then the first old duffers says 'Thank you for your input madam, but for clarity can you tell me exactly when you last heard an elephant break wind?'

Bertola · Mar 24, 2025

Why has there never been a pregnant Barbie?

Because Ken comes in a different box

Bertola · Mar 24, 2025

Why don't boxers have sex the night before a fight?

Because they don't like each other

ccfcchris · Mar 26, 2025

I made the mistake of kidnapping someone from Leicester.

Cost me a f**king fortune sending their fingers in the post.

Sbarcher · Apr 2, 2025

The Flat Earth Society has members from all over the globe.

Captain Dart · Apr 5, 2025

Well after 5 years of being the president of my local stilt walking club, I'm finally stepping down.

San Francisco · Apr 9, 2025

I still have sex, even at 76.
But I live at 72 so it's only a short walk.

rob9872 · Apr 9, 2025

ccfcchris said:
View attachment 41885

I'm going to steal this and get a mobile van around Cov named Batchman

ccfcchris · Apr 12, 2025

rob9872 · Apr 13, 2025

Otis · Apr 13, 2025

rob9872 said:
View attachment 42504

I'm trying so hard not to laugh at that

Macca1987 · May 2, 2025

It's 5 minutes from my house to the pub
Its 35 minutes from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering

Captain Dart · May 2, 2025

rob9872 said:
View attachment 42504

ccfcchris · May 16, 2025

In 2023, Lorna Rooke was asked to partake in a team-bonding exercise at work in which she took a Star Wars-themed personality test. The results of said test, however, caused her deep pain and suffering as she was told her personality resembled that of space-fascist and notable absent father, Darth Vader.
Rooke, who worked as a training and practice supervisor in the National Health Service’s Blood and Transplant sector, didn't actually fill out the personality test herself, but was given results from one of her coworkers. She claimed it impacted the way her coworkers precieved her and made her feel uncomfortable at work.
According to the NYPost, the employment judge overseeing the case said, “Darth Vader is a legendary villain of the Star Wars series, and being aligned with his personality is insulting.” Rooke was awarded £28,989.61 ($38,729) in compensation.
So let this be a lesson to companies trying to create a "fun" environment for their employees through games and events. Save your money and give it to your employees.

OQ_skyblue · May 16, 2025

Captain Dart · May 18, 2025

Be aware of faulty batches of sunscreen delivered to the shops. It seems there was a mix up in the factory. I'd say there will be a few red faces over this.

Sky_Blue_Daz · May 18, 2025

A Vicks vaporub lorry has crashed on the M6 luckily theres no congestion

Houchens Head · May 22, 2025

I was walking through a local cemetery when I saw a small man sitting on a gravestone with his head in his hands.
I asked, "Are you a goblin?"
He said, "No, I've just got a headache!"

ccfcchris · May 23, 2025

Welcome to the UK Closing Down Sale!
Everything must go!
Fishing
Farming
Pensioners
National Security
Free Speech
Chagos Islands
Border checks
And the rights of indigenous population

shmmeee · May 23, 2025

ccfcchris said:
Welcome to the UK Closing Down Sale!
Everything must go!
Fishing
Farming
Pensioners
National Security
Free Speech
Chagos Islands
Border checks
And the rights of indigenous population

u ok hun?

ccfcchris · May 23, 2025

shmmeee said:
u ok hun?

I knew that would rattle a few cages. Well done on being the first.

ccfcchris · May 24, 2025

Thirty politicians are visiting a conference. On the way to the conference their train derails in a huge smashup.

A farmer who witnesses it all from his fields decides to bury them all.

The next day a police officer drops by. He asks the farmer what happened to the thirty politicians.

'I buried them all' he replies.

'Were they all dead then?' asks the policeman.

'Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how they always lie!'

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