Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

[Coventry La La La]

BBC SPORT: Japan confirm planned football matches to go ahead.

BBC SPORT SCOTLAND: Inverness match against Celtic postponed due to waterlogged pitch.

 

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[redsox]

Due to a factory error, my phone now has a colander instead of a calendar.

It really drains the battery.

 

[skybluedan]

got arrested today for wrapping my dick in the beano and wanking on the bus.........
apparently this is not classed as comic relief...............

 

[Coventry La La La]

For some reason I'm really struggling to sell my house at the moment.

I've done everything they've recommended...

Painted the walls black.
Painted the floors black.
Painted the ceiling black.
I'm even answering the door in a tin foil suit.

I was told to give the illusion of space.

 

[Minder]

I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.

It must have been the weakest Lynx.

 

[Minder]

Me and my missus had a 69er for comic relief, she was on her period.

 

[cov_russell]

I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.

It must have been the weakest Lynx.

 

[SkyBlueScottie]

The Police have lost all of their dogs, they have got no leads.

 

[Coventry La La La]

BBC News : "Gaddafi 'Not Targeted' By US Strikes"

So we can safely assume that he'll be dead within days.

 

[SuperFred]

Someone sneaked an illegal type of spoon into Work today. It caused quite a stir.

 

[SuperFred]

I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis.

Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

 

[SuperFred]

Quit my job in a helium gas factory yesterday. Refused to be spoken to in that tone.

 

[SuperFred]

My father used to hit me with a camera, I keep on having flashbacks.

 

[SuperFred]

I was caught masturbating in a lift yesterday. It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[SuperFred]

i'll stop now

 

[ccfcadz]

It's ironic that Reading Festival would be fucked if they booked none of the bands...

...whereas a reading festival would be fucked if they banned all the books.

 

[ccfcadz]

A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years.He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his cock and she opens a beer with her arse.

Shes called a swiss army wife.

 

[Bunnykins]

2 policewoman are sitting in their patrol car with their German Shepherd
one says to the other Gosh I'm Cold and I left my knickers back at the station
The other says I know let the Dog sniff your $%&*** to get the scent and send him in the Station to get them for you.....


She doe's this the Dog Comes back 10 minutes later with A Trunchon A Broomhandle and 2 of The Sargents Fingers.......:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

[Great_Expectations]

Threw a housewarming party last night.

The radiators were steaming.

 

[Coventry La La La]

I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night.
So I did a 180, and left.

 

[Minder]

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?


Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

 

[Minder]

What's funnier than a female comedian?

Everything.

 

[SkyBlueScottie]

i'll stop now

Yes, Stuart Francis and wants his one liners back

 

[cov_russell]

How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

 

[Great_Expectations]

Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus....

 

[Bunnykins]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and She asked the question:

'When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said: 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun asked
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you Think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said:
'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy Had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her

 

[JCR1987]

As I stepped out of the cold shower this morning the Mrs laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac.

"If that's the case," I joked, "why does your sister still have bad breath?!"

 

[JCR1987]

I rang work this morning and said I won't be in work today as i've got anal blindness.

They said "what the fuck is that?"

I said "I can't see my arse getting out of bed this morning"

 

[JCR1987]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we were making love I thought: "These taser guns are well worth the money"

 

[JCR1987]

Bakewell tart is not a pudding. It is a command!!

 

[JCR1987]

Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at work... Paddy spits it out and says "what the feck is on that?"

Murphy answers "Crab paste"

Paddy asks "Where did you get that?"

Murphy replies "I saw it on offer when I was in the chemist"

 

[redsox]

As I stepped out of the cold shower this morning the Mrs laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac.

"If that's the case," I joked, "why does your sister still have bad breath?!"

ha ha, this one made me laugh!!

 

[kevinleftpeg]

I bought one of those suicide Pizza's the other day..........

It 'tops' itself

 

[smileycov]

I saw a dyslexic yorkshireman.......he was wearing a cat flap!!

 

[JCR1987]

I recently opened a cafe in Japan... it started out a bit shaky but people are slowly drifting in.