Jokes (1 Viewer)

ccfcchris said:

I knew that would rattle a few cages. Well done on being the first.

Click to expand...

It’s a joke thread why are you trying to rattle cages? Get a grip.

Stevie Wonder calls up Quincy Jones on Boxing Day and says "Quincy, just want to say thank you for the Christmas gift, although I have to say the book you got me was very violent and bloodthirsty." Quincy gasps and says "Stevie, that wasn't a book, that was a cheese grater!"

A man on holiday in Florida walks into a bar in a remote part of the Everglades, and sees a sign on the wall - "Free beer for life for anyone who can pass The Test". Intrigued, he goes up to the barman and asks what it involves.

"It's very simple," the old barman says. "And there are three stages. First - there's a bottle of vintage tequila in the corner over there. Local legend says it will give you unlimited courage if you can down it in one."

"Second - out the back you'll find my pet alligator chained up. He's got a very sore tooth, but I can't afford to take him to the alligator dentist. I need someone to rip out the tooth with their bare hands."

"And third - upstairs in the bedroom above the bar is my dear old wife. We were married as childhood sweethearts, but I've never been able to satisfy her sexually. It's my dying wish that she gets the satisfaction she deserves after forty years of loyal marriage."

The holidaymaker winces. "That's preposterous," he says. "The first part is hard enough, and the rest is just ridiculous. I'll just have a pint of lager for now."

Several hours and several pints later, the man starts to feel a bit confident. He puts down his beer and slurs, "Where's that tequila?". Shuffling over to the corner, he picks up the bottle, throws back his neck and chugs the lot, somehow managing to keep the tequila down.

As he slams the bottle back down on the counter, by now he can barely walk. But filled with determination, he swings around and points to the back door. "The alligator!" he declares, before bolting outside.

All the rest of the bar can hear from inside is a terrible commotion - the sound of ripping clothes, the man screaming, the alligator howling in agony. Eventully after what seems like an eternity, the man staggers back inside struggling for breath, his clothes torn, his body covered in scratches and blood.

"Right then!" he announces, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

How do you turn a dog into a fox?

Ten beers

Sound on play to the end.
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I was walking past a pet shop and saw a sign in the window-‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’

I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands, so I went into the shop and asked the assistant...

”How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”