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Jokes (2 Viewers)

  • Thread starter ccfcchris
  • Start date Feb 19, 2021
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shmmeee

Well-Known Member
  • May 24, 2025
  • #211
ccfcchris said:
I knew that would rattle a few cages. Well done on being the first.
Click to expand...

It’s a joke thread why are you trying to rattle cages? Get a grip.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • May 24, 2025
  • #212
shmmeee said:
It’s a joke thread why are you trying to rattle cages? Get a grip.
Click to expand...
I'm not. I saw it as joke. You came in with the put-down acting superior about it.

I won't reply to you anymore as it'll ruin the thread.
 
S

SBT

Well-Known Member
  • May 24, 2025
  • #213
Stevie Wonder calls up Quincy Jones on Boxing Day and says "Quincy, just want to say thank you for the Christmas gift, although I have to say the book you got me was very violent and bloodthirsty." Quincy gasps and says "Stevie, that wasn't a book, that was a cheese grater!"
 
Reactions: MalcSB
S

SBT

Well-Known Member
  • May 24, 2025
  • #214
A man on holiday in Florida walks into a bar in a remote part of the Everglades, and sees a sign on the wall - "Free beer for life for anyone who can pass The Test". Intrigued, he goes up to the barman and asks what it involves.

"It's very simple," the old barman says. "And there are three stages. First - there's a bottle of vintage tequila in the corner over there. Local legend says it will give you unlimited courage if you can down it in one."

"Second - out the back you'll find my pet alligator chained up. He's got a very sore tooth, but I can't afford to take him to the alligator dentist. I need someone to rip out the tooth with their bare hands."

"And third - upstairs in the bedroom above the bar is my dear old wife. We were married as childhood sweethearts, but I've never been able to satisfy her sexually. It's my dying wish that she gets the satisfaction she deserves after forty years of loyal marriage."

The holidaymaker winces. "That's preposterous," he says. "The first part is hard enough, and the rest is just ridiculous. I'll just have a pint of lager for now."

Several hours and several pints later, the man starts to feel a bit confident. He puts down his beer and slurs, "Where's that tequila?". Shuffling over to the corner, he picks up the bottle, throws back his neck and chugs the lot, somehow managing to keep the tequila down.

As he slams the bottle back down on the counter, by now he can barely walk. But filled with determination, he swings around and points to the back door. "The alligator!" he declares, before bolting outside.

All the rest of the bar can hear from inside is a terrible commotion - the sound of ripping clothes, the man screaming, the alligator howling in agony. Eventully after what seems like an eternity, the man staggers back inside struggling for breath, his clothes torn, his body covered in scratches and blood.

"Right then!" he announces, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
 
Reactions: wingy, stupot07, Terry_dactyl and 2 others

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • May 25, 2025
  • #215
Barmaid 'Hello, what can I get you?'

Me 'A pint of bitter please.'

Barmaid 'Whitbread?'

Me 'No thanks but a couple of cream crackers would be nice.'




I've just finished reading an excellent book called “Fights on a Narrowboat". By R.G. Bargee.




Today is the last day I will be using spray on deodorant. Roll on tomorrow.



I've been expelled from my local English Civil War re-enactment Society because of my Cavalier attitude.
 
Reactions: wingy, stupot07, MalcSB and 3 others

MusicDating

Euro 2016 Prediction League Champion!!
  • May 25, 2025
  • #216
How do you turn a dog into a fox?

Ten beers
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • May 26, 2025
  • #217
Premiership lawnmower for sale.
Sorry, no blades.
They fell apart.
 
Reactions: wingy, stupot07, MalcSB and 1 other person

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • May 29, 2025
  • #218
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • May 31, 2025
  • #219
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
 
Reactions: wingy, Captain Dart, Houchens Head and 1 other person

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • May 31, 2025
  • #220
Sound on play to the end.
https://www.facebook.com/
 

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • May 31, 2025
  • #221
 
Reactions: wingy

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • Jun 2, 2025
  • #222
I was walking past a pet shop and saw a sign in the window-‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’

I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands, so I went into the shop and asked the assistant...

”How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”
 
Reactions: stupot07 and wingy

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • Jun 3, 2025
  • #223
 
Reactions: stupot07 and Sky_Blue_Dreamer

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • Jun 7, 2025
  • #224
 
Reactions: shmmeee, stupot07 and wingy

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • Jun 9, 2025
  • #225
Ask not for whom the M6 tolls. It tolls for yow.
 
Reactions: MalcSB

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 1, 2025
  • #226
 
Reactions: Sky_Blue_Dreamer and Captain Dart

shmmeee

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 1, 2025
  • #227
ccfcchris said:
View attachment 44050
Click to expand...

Didn’t know Vardy was a big Come Fly With Me fan

 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 2, 2025
  • #228
It's a little known fact that there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing them from the oven.


Saint John The Bap Test
 
Reactions: lifeskyblue, Terry_dactyl and RegTheDonk

Ccfcisparks

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 2, 2025
  • #229
ccfcchris said:
It's a little known fact that there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing them from the oven.


Saint John The Bap Test
Click to expand...
You've opened a can of worms on this forum with this joke!!!
 
Reactions: Terry_dactyl and ccfcchris

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
  • Jul 2, 2025
  • #230
ccfcchris said:
It's a little known fact that there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing them from the oven.


Saint John The Bap Test
Click to expand...
BAP?? BAP??
 
Reactions: Terry_dactyl, ccfcchris, RegTheDonk and 1 other person

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 2, 2025
  • #231
ccfcchris said:
It's a little known fact that there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing them from the oven.


Saint John The Bap Test
Click to expand...
Batch test matey, batch test.
 
Reactions: Houchens Head

Ccfcisparks

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 11, 2025
  • #232
Greg Wallace lined up for new fishing show on BBC called "Master Bait"
 
Reactions: RegTheDonk

LastGarrison

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 11, 2025
  • #233
What did the guy with no teeth order at the bar?

Aperitif.
 

ccfcchris

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 11, 2025
  • #234
Elvis Presley was once interviewed about UK supermarkets. They talked about Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Aldi.

It was a Lidl-less conversation.


I was 30 miles away when I realized I forgot to leave some money to our waitress Mary.

It was a long way to tip a Mary.


I'm not using Amazon anymore!

I ordered grain for my chickens.
But after I got it, they sent an email asking for my feedback.


As an architect I was asked to design a house based on an aeroplane...

So far I've got the landing sorted.
 
Reactions: lifeskyblue and wingy

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
  • Jul 11, 2025
  • #235
 
Reactions: wingy
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