Divorce (1 Viewer)

[Moff]

Yeah 16 years is definitely long. It sounds like you went about things the right way. I'm in a relationship now and she always talks about engagement and wants marriage but I'm very content with just living our lives together and seeing how things go.

I'll not be rushed into such a massive decision. Is that heartless or just sensible?

Probably sensible.

Been married 13years together for seventeen. Some of your sweeping generalisations in your earlier post have a pang of truth

 

[Mild-Mannered Janitor]

Sorry to hear this, the only advice I can give is to try and agree everything yourselves and don't let warped lawyers change your minds on what you agree on. Yours will say this is what you are entitled too, hers will say the same. Try to agree all outside of them and that way, you don't waste as much money that can go towards you both and your children.

Lawyers love a messy divorce. Keep simple and fair.

 

[fellatio_Martinez]

Probably sensible.

Been married 13years together for seventeen. Some of your sweeping generalisations in your earlier post have a pang of truth

Married Red Pill: Sexual strategy for men in marriage or long term relationships • /r/marriedredpill

 

[skybluedan]

This place is getting a bit soppy nowadays! Give it until June and there will be pillow parties being arranged instead of fights at the Jimmy Hill Statue :emoji_kissing_heart:

Ps. I am shocked at skybluedan's comments, I was expecting a "finger her sister" bit of advice!

How the veryiest of dare yous nicholassssssss

 

[shmmeee]

Married Red Pill: Sexual strategy for men in marriage or long term relationships • /r/marriedredpill

Red pillers are mental. I have an interest in psychology and got into the whole pick up scene for a bit when I was younger, but some on there are just sad fucks who can't talk to women and end up hating them.

 

[shmmeee]

Yeah 16 years is definitely long. It sounds like you went about things the right way. I'm in a relationship now and she always talks about engagement and wants marriage but I'm very content with just living our lives together and seeing how things go.

I'll not be rushed into such a massive decision. Is that heartless or just sensible?

I honestly think it's a crap shoot. Supposed to be 50/50 in terms of marriages that work isn't it?

Question is: how much do you like those odds?

 

[Astute]

Yeah 16 years is definitely long. It sounds like you went about things the right way. I'm in a relationship now and she always talks about engagement and wants marriage but I'm very content with just living our lives together and seeing how things go.

I'll not be rushed into such a massive decision. Is that heartless or just sensible?

The woman will think you are heartless but you know that you are being very sensible.

It can't guaranteed but it helps increase the odds. I was with someone years ago. If you imagined the perfect woman she was better. I had hit the jackpot. But after 18 months she showed me the real her. She was a fookin lunatic and liability. Couldn't believe that she hid it for so long. I ran for the hills

 

[shmmeee]

Women are world class at hiding crazy.

 

[fernandopartridge]

Snakes with tits

 

[Otis]

Women are world class at hiding crazy.

And also at letting things stew.

You can say and say again, please talk to me if there is anything bothering you, but they don't.

They store any grievance up and store it up and store it up and let it brew and let it brew and then suddenly out of nowhere everything explodes and erupts into a full blown rant and go at you.

Happened a number of times with a number of different girlfriends and I know it's not me , it's always over something so minor that they let become something major.

 

[Nick]

It's the photographic memory that gets me.

"Remember when you said this 6 years ago at 8.45AM and we were having this for breakfast"

"ermm, did I?"

 

[Astute]

And also at letting things stew.

You can say and say again, please talk to me if there is anything bothering you, but they don't.

They store any grievance up and store it up and store it up and let it brew and let it brew and then suddenly out of nowhere everything explodes and erupts into a full blown rant and go at you.

Happened a number of times with a number of different girlfriends and I know it's not me , it's always over something so minor that they let become something major.

Left a few women because of the same. And when they start the argument they have been planning for a while what they are going to say. And they only want certain answers. You can't talk sense to them because all they want is them certain answers. Anything else tips them over the edge.

Settled for a redhead in the end. She says what she thinks. Then all forgotten about. Everything is OK once your ears stop ringing.

 

[shmmeee]

I thought I met a woman who wasn't mental once. She was my best mate as a teenager and was chill as fuck, but not that attractive so nothing doing other than friendship.

On my recommendation a mate who did find her attractive dated her, absolutely crazy according to him, like batshit. But only with her partner.

 

[Otis]

Left a few women because of the same. And when they start the argument they have been planning for a while what they are going to say. And they only want certain answers. You can't talk sense to them because all they want is them certain answers. Anything else tips them over the edge.

Settled for a redhead in the end. She says what she thinks. Then all forgotten about. Everything is OK once your ears stop ringing.

Yes, you're right about the pre-planned speech and they have already decided that they are not going to accept any excuse you have whatsoever.

 

[oakey]

Steady on chaps. I think the sexes both have their share of crazies.
Sympathy to anyone enduring a break up but in the many couples I know who have split there really was no difference between the male v female reasonableness stakes.

 

[shmmeee]

Well it looks like I'm going to have to lawyer up, already going back on agreements, wants the house, etc, etc. Really hoped we could be adult about this. Clearly there's no feeling there from her, I've got to toughen up because clearly if I go in in good faith I'll just get screwed over. Gutted. Proper gutted.

Steady on chaps. I think the sexes both have their share of crazies.
Sympathy to anyone enduring a break up but in the many couples I know who have split there really was no difference between the male v female reasonableness stakes.

As my ex would say: "Women are crazy and men are stupid".

 

[Nick]

Can she not buy you out?

 

[Grendel]

Well it looks like I'm going to have to lawyer up, already going back on agreements, wants the house, etc, etc. Really hoped we could be adult about this. Clearly there's no feeling there from her, I've got to toughen up because clearly if I go in in good faith I'll just get screwed over. Gutted. Proper gutted.



As my ex would say: "Women are crazy and men are stupid".

That is unfortunate - a mutually agreed solution would always be best - I think though it is inevitable as ultimately there is always going to be something to disagree on.

I would carefully research reviews on solicitors and see which have positive reviews in this area as I'm afraid most are really not that knowledgable but will take the money.

As you have implied you will have to desensitise yourself from the situation and become totally self interested.

Did you say you'd moved out? I'd take advice on that as well and if necessary move back in.

 

[The Reverend Skyblue]

Just seen this thread shmmeee, so sorry I haven't wished you well before .
I've been married 24 years and for 22 would say been very happy but with every marriage it does go through some massive lows. At the moment I have no idea what person will walk through the door in the evening, she's so up and down I haven't a scooby do what's she's going to be like. New job that takes all her time up and it's totally consumed her.

Being 54 soon I'm considering if it may be time to get out and take a breather myself, kids have all but left home and having my own space again is very appealing.
I'm in the second year of an engineering degree as I had to re-train like you, but mine was due to an accident sometime ago, but I can't do manual work anymore. I need to hold on Uni till I pass then make a final decision.

I can only advise to put all your energy into minimising the effect this will have on your kids. I truely believe that all they want is for you to be happy, so if that means you being away from them some days then they will adjust and really look forward to seeing you, your relationship could even get stronger.
Be strong with your ex, don't give her any ground, yes it will be tough but you have to look after your interests not just for your sake but your kids futures as well.

We are all distant mates on here, so use us as there are some thoughtful posters on here, as you will get impartial advice you won't get from friends who know both of you well, even your solicitor won't give you impartial advice, so use us when you feel you need feedback.
Most importantly as well keep up with Uni as that's for you and your kids futures , and safeguard the most important relationship in all of this.

 

[Astute]

Well it looks like I'm going to have to lawyer up, already going back on agreements, wants the house, etc, etc. Really hoped we could be adult about this. Clearly there's no feeling there from her, I've got to toughen up because clearly if I go in in good faith I'll just get screwed over. Gutted. Proper gutted.



As my ex would say: "Women are crazy and men are stupid".

Sorry to say but sounds like friends and family have been speaking to her. Just be careful what you do or say because if it gets dirty every little thing will be used against you.

 

[Gazolba]

You can meet the perfect woman (as I thought I had) but when you have kids the whole dynamic changes.
My ex-wife and I were fine until we had kids, then she gave up her good and well paying job and never worked again.
Then the kids (we had two) became the center of her life and I became an after-thought.
I think keeping the romance going after you have kids is the secret to marriage, but it requires effort from both sides.
But I also think people just naturally grow in different directions over a lifetime.

 

[shmmeee]

Can she not buy you out?

She wants either half my inheritance (despite me already putting 60% of it into paying off her/our debt last year) or the house. I'm going to look into where I stand legally.

 

[shmmeee]

I think keeping the romance going after you have kids is the secret to marriage, but it requires effort from both sides.
But I also think people just naturally grow in different directions over a lifetime.

This is spot on.

 

[dancers lance]

She wants either half my inheritance (despite me already putting 60% of it into paying off her/our debt last year) or the house. I'm going to look into where I stand legally.

I know you are not a stupid man but the pressure of these situations can do funny things to people, never commit to anything in regard to finances, not even verbally (you never know if someone might be recording conversations that could be used against you at a later date) gather as much proof as you can regarding any money you have spent/invested that she has not done likewise, yet has been of benefit to her. Also, and I am not saying this is the case, but don't take anything you are being told on face value, look for outside influences, could there be another person involved? having any evidence of this could be very beneficial to you when it comes to any negotiations down the road, document everything. All the best.

 

[shmmeee]

Yeah I'm going to go through my accounts with a fine tooth comb so I know exactly what I've paid over what period.

 

[dancers lance]

Yeah I'm going to go through my accounts with a fine tooth comb so I know exactly what I've paid over what period.

A very good idea, by the sounds of it your wife has already been thinking about what she can get out of any settlement and I would advise you to start thinking about number one, you are not a second class citizen (even though divorce lawyers will try and make you feel like one) and you have not worked hard all of your life just to have that taken away from you at a whim.

 

[The Reverend Skyblue]

It must be emotionally difficult to be hard with someone who you love so much.
Just stay as strong as you can shmmee especially in front of your wife. One day you will be through this and out the other side however dark these times seem at the moment.
Just hope all goes as smooth as poss

 

[wingy]

I don't know what the score is nowadays, but previously there was a deal considered by many as possibly the best, so as to move on.
IE giving you the best option of truly moving on.
Depending on your viewpoint, releasing the house entirely over to the spouse.
From there, no liability and IIRC, no maintenance.
Thus free to rebuild from that point.

 

[Nick]

I don't know what the score is nowadays, but previously there was a deal considered by many as possibly the best, so as to move on.
IE giving you the best option of truly moving on.
Depending on your viewpoint, releasing the house entirely over to the spouse.
From there, no liability and IIRC, no maintenance.
Thus free to rebuild from that point.

But then if he has chucked loads of money into the house, it's kind of hard to just hand it over.

 

[wingy]

But then if he has chucked loads of money into the house, it's kind of hard to just hand it over.

Very true but it's more about rebuilding for yourself free from continuing (double) commitments.
It really isn't nice and seldom "Fair",as blokes we're meant to take it on the chin.
Unless you've lived life in reversed roles with the wife the breadwinner, it's usually her who gets /wants full custody.
Chaps usually end up with alternate weekend arrangements and possibly an evening during the week contact of some sort.

 

[Johnnythespider]

I'm pretty sure a friend of mine who went through this said that his ex could stay in the house until the children are 18, so getting a sale and splitting the proceeds might not be possible until then.

 

[Astute]

You need to make sure any deal is 100% safe. I have a mate who went through it. He gave her the house. They agreed on £200 per month per child. She got it until 18 or full time education. She made the older boys stay in education. Then as the eldest finished she went to the CSA. They overruled the agreement and charged more than the £400 he was then paying.

 

[fernandopartridge]

She wants either half my inheritance (despite me already putting 60% of it into paying off her/our debt last year) or the house. I'm going to look into where I stand legally.

Let her have the house every time. Houses are an asset eventually but a liability whilst you're paying the mortgage and a money pit if anything goes wrong.

 

[stupot07]

This is useful

Child maintenance calculator - GOV.UK

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

 

[shmmeee]

Let her have the house every time. Houses are an asset eventually but a liability whilst you're paying the mortgage and a money pit if anything goes wrong.

Thing is I've worked on that shit heap for nearly ten years, it's got almost £20k equity in it. Plus we'd always informally agreed when we talked about what was fair that you should just sell and split the cash after a breakup. Maybe I'm being pig headed but it pisses me off to see her take nearly £10k for nothing when she's the one that wants to leave. :/

I'm gonna find some advice and do what's sensible, I'm aware feelings of fairness and right aren't the same as what's practical.