Are you happy (1 Viewer)

M&B Stand · Dec 21, 2019

I tell you what, this is a good thread.
I train goods and passenger vehicle drivers. A lot of HGV drivers have a level of anxiety, like someone has said, its the solitude thinking time, the routine and fear of something bad out of the blue happening, which can have awful consequences (crashes, bumps, the sack etc).
Just remember its the same for loads of people, don’t rush about, just do your best and what you thinks reasonable. You company has insurance for the accidents. Try not to worry, everyone has bad days.

Happiness is a wave of emotion. Not a permanent feeling.

Otis · Dec 21, 2019

Not happy with the world or the leaders we have at the helm. Everything seems to be about making money.

I saw the other day some CEO (or suchlike) of Bet 365, got a £277m salary and with bonuses, that delivered a £323m paycheck this year. How on earth can that be right while we have children living in poverty and people dying because of a lack of healthcare.

I am talking globally here, not just in the UK.

It's a madness. This is the 21st century. How can this be happening?

More and more billionaires while others struggle more and more to survive.

Gazolba · Dec 21, 2019

I work for the Government and little did I know everyone's salary that works for the Government is public information (at least where I live).
So the other day, quite by accident, I discovered a website than listed everyone's salary by individual for the past several years.
Even though this is public information, no-one is ever told that, and you can actually be sacked for revealing your salary.
Well naturally, I looked up everyone on my team and I found out I'm one of the lowest paid people.
I'm earning $20,000 to $25,000 less per year than others (men and women) doing the exact same work.
This not only affects your salary but also your pension and social security since those are based on salary.
So, no I'm not happy, but it's too late do do anything now as I'm retiring in about 3 months.
Thank God I've saved a lot of money and invested it wisely.

chiefdave · Dec 21, 2019

Gazolba said:
I'm earning $20,000 to $25,000 less per year than others (men and women) doing the exact same work.

What the hell. What area do you work in for them to both have such a range of salaries and be able to get away with it?

Brighton Sky Blue · Dec 21, 2019

Otis said:
Not happy with the world or the leaders we have at the helm. Everything seems to be about making money.

I saw the other day some CEO (or suchlike) of Bet 365, got a £277m salary and with bonuses, that delivered a £323m paycheck this year. How on earth can that be right while we have children living in poverty and people dying because of a lack of healthcare.

I am talking globally here, not just in the UK.

It's a madness. This is the 21st century. How can this be happening?

More and more billionaires while others struggle more and more to survive.

It happens because those same people can buy more influence to preserve their position.

Brighton Sky Blue · Dec 21, 2019

bringbackrattles said:
Must admit how refreshing it is to read blokes opening up about problems etc. Years ago you had to " man up" grow a pair and just get on with things. I still wouldn't go to the pub and say to the lads in there I'm feeling depressed, it is something you've grown up with keep feelings to yourself. Not that I am but I reckon if I was I'd open up and sod the reaction. I honestly reckon my outdoor job is great for warding off the blues, pardon the pun, as a couple of hours in the fresh air and I'm feeling good. But clinical depression is serious, I had a touch of it once in prison years ago, thought I was losing the plot, luckily I got moved to a better prison where I was in the gym most days as exercise is essential I discovered for mental issues.

On a day to day basis I see boys struggling to keep things in check which their female counterparts don't. Hitting walls/each other/themselves when they get pissed off, deciding to give up quickly at school instead of trying and still failing. The problem comes when they are punished (correctly) but the reasons for how they behave aren't followed up or noticed. It isn't as easy as telling a boy 'just talk more' because as you point out there is a lifetime of peer pressure making that difficult. A few of the boys I've taught were also in 'the Legion' and despite best efforts one or two got booted out for stuff they did.

What I like seeing here is proof that we aren't all just cavemen without emotional intelligence and it's something I try to remind both genders of in the classroom.

Grendel · Dec 21, 2019

chiefdave said:
What the hell. What area do you work in for them to both have such a range of salaries and be able to get away with it?

Ive earned £30 grand more than a bloke at my level - I’ve earned more than my immediate manager loads of times

LastGarrison · Dec 21, 2019

Tommo1993 said:
Good talk guys. 6-8 hours on the road a day I understand the likelihood is higher of witnessing/doing something unfortunate - I’m gonna have to toughen up. Admittedly the last job was very cushy, this job is full on and physically demanding. So I think adapting and exhaustion has a part to play. I’ll get used to it. Digging our personal lives out of this hole is certainly my biggest concern. The only thing I can find solace in atm is the mrs and to see her struggling is the big blow.

You definitely don’t have to ‘toughen up’. And don’t ever think that.

I don’t know you or your personal circumstances and only going on a couple of posts on here but surely a change of job is what you should be thinking about?

Sounds like money may be an issue but your family need you more than the money. And that is a fact.

Don’t let it build up and make sure you speak to people, whether that’s friends, family or random strangers!

I’m always up for a pint!

shmmeee · Dec 22, 2019

covmark said:
I found the depression was sort of a byproduct of the anxiety. I had OCD of horrific things happening to loved ones which then caused massive anxiety. Which in turn caused me to be depressed, because I thought there would be no end to my horrific thoughts. The only way I thought there would be an end to the way I was feeling, would be when i was dead.
Never ending circle of head fuck.
Thanks to my amazing wife, and managing to teach myself that thoughts are just thoughts. I got myself off that vicious circle. Wasn't easy, and I still have the odd day where I feel shit. However these are now very few and far between.
Wouldn't wish OCD on my worst enemy.

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

That first line is true.

I went to therapy a few years ago for depression. After the first session he told me depression isn’t my core issue, anxiety is. It’s the anxiety that causes the depression, not being able to solve the things I’m anxious about. He said it’s usually one then the other, some people get anxious about the depression impacts.

Been on a hell of a rollercoaster since the divorce, nearly got sacked at work, rang the Samaritans after I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d be better off dead. Ran up debt cos when I’m depressed I spend and I eat shit and get fat which depresses me more.

Always been socially awkward, don’t make friends easily. In fact I still hang around with the ones I made at school, no lasting friendships from uni or any job. Now my mates are moving away or just living their own life finding myself with a very small social circle. Thinking I need to get involved in something to make new friends, but as I say I don’t make friends so not sure what the point is.

Really only the fact that I’ve got two beautiful kids that keeps me going. Feel like my life has a purpose until they’re 18 then I can’t see anything beyond that. Really hoping something pops up before then or the ex doesn’t take them away. Not sure I’d keep going without them. Even then I can’t connect to them like I’d want, like she can. Don’t even know what’s wrong with me. Never been formally diagnosed but have had several people suggest autism including those trained to diagnose it. As Rich said in OP a diagnosis would make no difference anyway.

So yeah, not happy, can’t see a future, lost everything in the divorce and then some, have no real mates, really not sure what to do about it. Should probably go see someone but I’m not depressed like I used to be where I couldn’t even get out of bed. CBT gave me the tools to deal with that. Also my therapist has stopped working in that field and it took my five attempts to find someone who worked for me. All the IAPT ones were terrible. It’s more of a rational assessment of my life and in many ways that’s a lot scarier.

Not sure where this is going, but came across the thread and it opened a lot of stuff up.

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

shmmeee said:
That first line is true.

I went to therapy a few years ago for depression. After the first session he told me depression isn’t my core issue, anxiety is. It’s the anxiety that causes the depression, not being able to solve the things I’m anxious about. He said it’s usually one then the other, some people get anxious about the depression impacts.

Been on a hell of a rollercoaster since the divorce, nearly got sacked at work, rang the Samaritans after I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d be better off dead. Ran up debt cos when I’m depressed I spend and I eat shit and get fat which depresses me more.

Always been socially awkward, don’t make friends easily. In fact I still hang around with the ones I made at school, no lasting friendships from uni or any job. Now my mates are moving away or just living their own life finding myself with a very small social circle. Thinking I need to get involved in something to make new friends, but as I say I don’t make friends so not sure what the point is.

Really only the fact that I’ve got two beautiful kids that keeps me going. Feel like my life has a purpose until they’re 18 then I can’t see anything beyond that. Really hoping something pops up before then or the ex doesn’t take them away. Not sure I’d keep going without them. Even then I can’t connect to them like I’d want, like she can. Don’t even know what’s wrong with me. Never been formally diagnosed but have had several people suggest autism including those trained to diagnose it. As Rich said in OP a diagnosis would make no difference anyway.

So yeah, not happy, can’t see a future, lost everything in the divorce and then some, have no real mates, really not sure what to do about it. Should probably go see someone but I’m not depressed like I used to be where I couldn’t even get out of bed. CBT gave me the tools to deal with that. Also my therapist has stopped working in that field and it took my five attempts to find someone who worked for me. All the IAPT ones were terrible. It’s more of a rational assessment of my life and in many ways that’s a lot scarier.

Not sure where this is going, but came across the thread and it opened a lot of stuff up.

Thanks for sharing, Shmmeee.

I can relate to a lot of that.

Where are you now? Still Coventry area?

I am happy to chat to you if you'd maybe like to PM me.

Wyken Sky Blue · Dec 22, 2019

As someone who hasn't sufferered with anxiety (or at least I don't think I have) what does it actually feel like? Is it just bad thoughts constantly in your mind, is it palpatrations?

Genuinely curious as I don't have a full appreciation but should do following the big push in mental health and wellbeing this year.

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

rd45 · Dec 22, 2019

skyblue1991 said:
As someone who hasn't sufferered with anxiety (or at least I don't think I have) what does it actually feel like? Is it just bad thoughts constantly in your mind, is it palpatrations?

Genuinely curious as I don't have a full appreciation but should do following the big push in mental health and wellbeing this year.

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

You’ll know what anxiety feels like as an emotion, because everyone’s been anxious about something at some time. When you’ve got an anxiety disorder, that’s pretty much what you’re feeling all the time about everything.

Dread, nausea, heart racing, stomach churning, sweating.

shmmeee · Dec 22, 2019

Otis said:
Thanks for sharing, Shmmeee.

I can relate to a lot of that.

Where are you now? Still Coventry area?

I am happy to chat to you if you'd maybe like to PM me.

Yeah still in Coventry. I might take you up on that mate. Thanks.

shmmeee · Dec 22, 2019

rd45 said:
You’ll know what anxiety feels like as an emotion, because everyone’s been anxious about something at some time. When you’ve got an anxiety disorder, that’s pretty much what you’re feeling all the time about everything.

Dread, nausea, heart racing, stomach churning, sweating.

I like to think of it as an overactive imagination. Makes me great at analytically finding holes in plans at work and really useful as a software developer, but basically my brain is great at writing scary stories about the future.

Phone will ring and I’ll think it’s a debt collector (even though I’m not behind on anything) or my landlord telling me I’m being kicked out, or the ex saying I can’t see the kids, or a million other bad things.

The other week at work I got a meeting request with a note from my boss saying “just a catch up”. I managed to convince myself I was about to be fired, turned out they were offering me a pay rise and the prospect of a promotion next year! That’s how ridiculous it is.

But yeah, physically just as you say. Heart rate rises, gut churns, the works.

Deleted member 5849 · Dec 22, 2019

shmmeee said:
Always been socially awkward, don’t make friends easily. In fact I still hang around with the ones I made at school, no lasting friendships from uni or any job. Now my mates are moving away or just living their own life finding myself with a very small social circle. Thinking I need to get involved in something to make new friends, but as I say I don’t make friends so not sure what the point is.

Not that it helps, but I suspect a lot of this is perspective. Sure, some people make friends easily and have plenty but many... don't.

As for me, I actually found myself happier when I sacked off the big groups of casual acquaintances and concentrated on the small number I'm happier spending time with.

I suspect where I'm heading is that there's no shame in struggling to bond with people, and there are many similar souls, so it's no failing.

Not that that helps in the here and now, of course!

Nick · Dec 22, 2019

Deleted member 5849 said:
Not that it helps, but I suspect a lot of this is perspective. Sure, some people make friends easily and have plenty but many... don't.

As for me, I actually found myself happier when I sacked off the big groups of casual acquaintances and concentrated on the small number I'm happier spending time with.

I suspect where I'm heading is that there's no shame in struggling to bond with people, and there are many similar souls, so it's no failing.

Not that that helps in the here and now, of course!

Agree with that, sometimes people who surround themselves with so many people really aren't close to any of them at all.

Brighton Sky Blue · Dec 22, 2019

Deleted member 5849 said:
Not that it helps, but I suspect a lot of this is perspective. Sure, some people make friends easily and have plenty but many... don't.

As for me, I actually found myself happier when I sacked off the big groups of casual acquaintances and concentrated on the small number I'm happier spending time with.

I suspect where I'm heading is that there's no shame in struggling to bond with people, and there are many similar souls, so it's no failing.

Not that that helps in the here and now, of course!

Yup can relate to that a lot. Had quite a few friends at uni who turned out to not be so friendly when the going got tough. Now only in touch with one or two if that and have found it’s probably my school friends I’m closer to.

shmmeee · Dec 22, 2019

Deleted member 5849 said:
Not that it helps, but I suspect a lot of this is perspective. Sure, some people make friends easily and have plenty but many... don't.

As for me, I actually found myself happier when I sacked off the big groups of casual acquaintances and concentrated on the small number I'm happier spending time with.

I suspect where I'm heading is that there's no shame in struggling to bond with people, and there are many similar souls, so it's no failing.

Not that that helps in the here and now, of course!

I think social media is a bitch for this, you see everyone out having fun and living their best life and feel like you should be too.

I think you’re right though. Reconnected with an old friend after the divorce who is also a depressive and she said exactly the same thing. Doesn’t feel like she’s got any real mates. Casual acquaintances drift away.

I’m thinking about becoming more involved in the Labour Party. Partly cos they need all the help they can get, mostly for the social aspect.

Brighton Sky Blue said:
Yup can relate to that a lot. Had quite a few friends at uni who turned out to not be so friendly when the going got tough. Now only in touch with one or two if that and have found it’s probably my school friends I’m closer to.

It’s nice to hear this sort of thing from others. Makes me feel less of a weirdo. That said all my school friends are Brexit supporting working class people and I’m a champagne socialist Remainer! Proper “know where the bodies are hidden” mates though.

Nick · Dec 22, 2019

Fuck social media off

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Agree with that, sometimes people who surround themselves with so many people really aren't close to any of them at all.

Sounds like my daughter

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Fuck social media off

Hallelujah to that.

Tommo1993 · Dec 22, 2019

skyblue1991 said:
As someone who hasn't sufferered with anxiety (or at least I don't think I have) what does it actually feel like? Is it just bad thoughts constantly in your mind, is it palpatrations?

Genuinely curious as I don't have a full appreciation but should do following the big push in mental health and wellbeing this year.

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

A lot of symptoms are pretty generic. But I think people still can suffer differently. Personally it’s losing control of breathing, overwhelming nausea, full on panicking, shaking clammy hands, overthinking, sweating like a mad man. Feeling very quickly physically exhausted probably because of the breathing thing. Usually I can’t calm down until I’m with the mrs and I realise I’m not going to die in the next few moments. You’ll know if you get it. Also wouldn’t wish a panic attack on anyone!

Adding to that, I have been accused of being under the influence of drugs and alcohol when I’ve been very deep in an anxiety episode. Because speech is slightly slurred and acting weirdly because you can’t think straight while your mind is having a crack at the land speed record.

Brighton Sky Blue · Dec 22, 2019

shmmeee said:
I think social media is a bitch for this, you see everyone out having fun and living their best life and feel like you should be too.

I think you’re right though. Reconnected with an old friend after the divorce who is also a depressive and she said exactly the same thing. Doesn’t feel like she’s got any real mates. Casual acquaintances drift away.

I’m thinking about becoming more involved in the Labour Party. Partly cos they need all the help they can get, mostly for the social aspect.

It’s nice to hear this sort of thing from others. Makes me feel less of a weirdo. That said all my school friends are Brexit supporting working class people and I’m a champagne socialist Remainer! Proper “know where the bodies are hidden” mates though.

Social media is great if you’re racking up likes for taking selfies on the bog. Not much fun otherwise. Being a private school boy all of my friends are Tories but understandably as they’re all on megabucks. Doesn’t cause much friction though. Uni friends were a shame-going great till a break up where most took sides with the ex and it became a lonely place at times though it did show me who my real friends were.

Quality over quantity

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Brighton Sky Blue said:
Social media is great if you’re racking up likes for taking selfies on the bog. Not much fun otherwise. Being a private school boy all of my friends are Tories but understandably as they’re all on megabucks. Doesn’t cause much friction though. Uni friends were a shame-going great till a break up where most took sides with the ex and it became a lonely place at times though it did show me who my real friends were.

Quality over quantity

That's what I always tell my missus about sex.

So now she only goes out the twice a week instead of every night.

fellatio_Martinez · Dec 22, 2019

skyblue1991 said:
As someone who hasn't sufferered with anxiety (or at least I don't think I have) what does it actually feel like? Is it just bad thoughts constantly in your mind, is it palpatrations?

It feels like there's something physically wrong with you. That's why lots of people, including me, have ended up in A&E trying to convince the doctors that they've just had a heart attack. Anxiety / panic attacks are what happen when you lose complete control of your thoughts and your brain puts the body into survival mode. Adrenaline is flooding your blood stream which sets off fight or flight mode and then panic truly kicks in and you're fucked.

The last time I had it I felt like my heart was going to explode. Thankfully since then I can stop myself going down the panic attack route because I know it's all in my head but there's still niggly symptoms i.e light headedness, irritability, palpitations, dread etc. It comes and goes without notice. I went two months without a symptom in the summer but just had a week of feeling mentally foggy and quite absent minded.

fellatio_Martinez · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Agree with that, sometimes people who surround themselves with so many people really aren't close to any of them at all.

I'm quite content with a small group of friends but even then I think I'd be happy with just family. I love my own company. I could happily spend a weekend in the house by myself.

I'm quite selfish in that regard I suppose. I regularly make excuses to not meet up with people because I just don't fancy it.

bringbackrattles · Dec 22, 2019

fellatio_Martinez said:
I'm quite content with a small group of friends but even then I think I'd be happy with just family. I love my own company. I could happily spend a weekend in the house by myself.

I'm quite selfish in that regard I suppose. I regularly make excuses to not meet up with people because I just don't fancy it.

Join the club. I can go out and mix and chat away for hours, but can stay on my own for days really contented. I now accept that is who I am and feel okay about it. I had to spend a few hours in the company of my ex missus recently, and at the end of the night thought to myself thank God I'm not with her anymore ! 18 years together and no spark there at all.
Really like my life now come and go as I please nobody to get on my nerves, only myself. Not for everybody of course but why stay in a dead end relationship just because you don't want to be on your own then ? Sod that. My sons are adults now so they come and go, so that's fine by me.
End of the day it's not selfish to do what you want, more selfish staying with someone who you just don't get on with anymore.

Tommo1993 · Dec 22, 2019

Before I could cope on my own, but after how this year has gone very recently I’ve started to feel very clingy towards the wife. I don’t smother her or want to be joined by the hip or anything. Afraid of more loss maybe? I know I can’t live in fear, maybe it’s because confidence is knocked after a rocky start in a new job.

I’ve always been an introvert. Socially awkward.

Nick · Dec 22, 2019

Have people been to the docs?

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Have people been to the docs?

Yes.

Tommo1993 · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Have people been to the docs?

I can’t get in until the 7th.

When I was 15 I was hospitalised for 5 months for what was an eating disorder. I think this all started then. I wouldn’t let it get that far again. And they put me on the meds, which sometimes I think about requesting going back on.

Nick · Dec 22, 2019

Tommo1993 said:
I can’t get in until the 7th.

When I was 15 I was hospitalised for 5 months for what was an eating disorder. I think this all started then. I wouldn’t let it get that far again. And they put me on the meds, which sometimes I think about requesting going back on.

Its worth a try, they might be able to take the edge off and remove a few clouds from the thinking process.

Tommo1993 · Dec 22, 2019

Nick said:
Its worth a try, they might be able to take the edge off and remove a few clouds from the thinking process.

I think I agree. Need to fall on my sword and accept I probably need them again for a bit.

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Whatever you choose, good luck.

Otis · Dec 22, 2019

Gazolba said:
There are so many parallels between you and me.
I think I'm probably even more socially awkward than you because I have no friends.
Had a couple of friends at school (they were also not popular kids) who I lost touch with when I left.
Friendly with a few people from previous jobs but never socialized with any of them outside work.
The closest thing I have to a friend now is my ex-wife even though our divorce was not entirely amicable (we wanted it to be until the lawyers got involved).
We were married for 25 years and have two daughters so she knows me better than anyone.
She knows my family, even met and knew family members now deceased, and my entire history.
I can reminisce with her about things I could never do with anyone else.
Our daughters are now 23 and 28 and still live with us and do things with us, so I don't think your kids will necessarily disappear when they are 18.
My daughters bonded with their mother far more than me because she was a stay-at-home mum and I was the working breadwinner.
They will never be as close to me as they are with her.
I think the difference between you and I is I'm fairly contented with my situation. I've always been a loner that likes my own company, and over time I've become used to it.
Having lots of friends comes with its own issues, it takes work to maintain friendships.

I would suggest that most of us on here have no friends.

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