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Paul Clouting is our new CEO according to the telegraph on Twitter. Never heard of him.

Lescott - the new Wes Brown!!

I think you'll find the majority of us are 6ft plus and upright.

Highfield Road has gone Fat Boy, you need to move on :)

and imagine trying to get out of the Ricoh after the game - it'd take hours... oh, hang on, it already does!!

I havn't spoke to my mother-in-law in 8 years......She doesn't like being interrupted!

I said to my wife: "do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something from Fred Astaire?" She replied: "I think she would prefer it if you stayed off her grave altogether you sick bastard!!"

a crowd of blokes outside a pub and a woman walks past,one bloke says to his mates "i would give her one." The woman turns round and replies" I would not have sex with you if you was the last man on earth." The bloke answers "who said anything about sex? I was marking you out of ten you fat...

went to a bulimic society party last night... the place was heaving

Would definitely use/purchase. Used to check GMK on my work pc about twice a day and that's it. Now I'm on here i use it a lot more as it's 100 times more reliable and has more stuff on it to do and look at. Also have the twitter feed.

Am I the only one praying that on the first corner for the taffys tomorrow, Joe Hart charges out 'for the ball' and takes bellend's head off with his knee/fist/foot/head/baseball bat. It'd be worth conceding a goal for.

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer... "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

my japanese girlfriend dumped me last night. i thought never mind, there's plenty more in the sea

I recently opened a cafe in Japan... it started out a bit shaky but people are slowly drifting in.

Hope it's not a stupid rounded neck as this suggests, what's wrong with a nice collar?

Why haven't we just bought a coach? A zafira would probably do us.

Paddy and Murphy swap sandwiches at work... Paddy spits it out and says "what the feck is on that?" Murphy answers "Crab paste" Paddy asks "Where did you get that?" Murphy replies "I saw it on offer when I was in the chemist"

Bakewell tart is not a pudding. It is a command!!

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love I thought: "These taser guns are well worth the money"

I rang work this morning and said I won't be in work today as i've got anal blindness. They said "what the fuck is that?" I said "I can't see my arse getting out of bed this morning"