Nonleagueherewecome
Well-Known Member
Can't remember if this one got done, but the criteria is the biggest possible gulf between their peak & when we signed them (not just old people who were never that great in the first place.)
My Pitiful Pensioners:
GK-Andy Goram. Was blinding at Oldham & had some good times in the SPL when it was still decent, but to this day Rangers fans blame him being chosen over Niemi for them losing the 97-98 title and the "10 in a row" crown. He was 34 then-we had him when he was 37, & his terminal decline had continued. Would get into our Cricketing XI, too. Backup GK has to be Shilton, just cos.
RB-Struggled here. Foley? Although we mostly played him DMC. Stephen Wright? Although he was OK 1st year I thought and got worse when moved to CB.
LB-Steve Staunton. Still had a good left foot, but so very slow when he joined us aged 34. Fights off competition from Kenny Sansom (who played in the glorious Xmas maulings of Liverpool & Villa, so wasn't that bad!), Dean Gordon (actually really good at Palace & Midboro but total bobbins at City) & Hermann, who was never that good (& only played a few games before injury).
CB-Arjan de Zeeuw. Absolute legend at his previous clubs & a nice bloke, but a total donkey for us. Was so slow that it felt as if time had stood still when watching him. If he had to turn, it was like he was stuck in quicksand. Within a year of leaving us was working as a detective.
CB-Terry Butcher. Terrible manager & utterly knackered as a player when he rocked up (bad knees I think?)-costing a whopping £400k too. As a teenager, I was so excited by his signing coming not long after the glory of Italia 90, visions of Butcher strutting around in a fancy new sweeper system in my mind. My cynical old dad knew better, "nah, he's well past it!" Had the gall to bin off Peake and Regis for being over the hill (when they weren't, but he was). Plenty of other CB contenders: Gillespie 2nd stint (although he did got crocked); Steve Walsh for being utterly fucking abysmal in his brief appearances & ex-Leicester (but despite their adoration, I can't believe he was ever all that); Andy Webster misses out on the "was never that great" rule, despite that Rangers fan-made vid of him on the treatment table...
RM-Struggled to think of many, but maybe Stephen Hunt? Also possibly Andy Impey: clearly only signed as he was Adams' old mate & only paid if he played, so Adams used to bring him on for a few mins at the end just for that reason...
LM-Joe Cole. Can only be him, really. Never seen a player spend so long hunched over, gasping for air with his hands on his hips. Fair enough that he was good for Maddison, but the circus equally derailed us. Others: Peter Barnes (but one great goal); John Salako-had his moments, but was a truly cracking player at Palace & rapid. By the time we got him, he had a dead mans tendon in his knee (the best chant we never had, that!) & was terrified of running at full backs; & Keith O'Neill (not that we really saw him...)
CM-Kevin MacDonald. Has to be, really. Another one in the "so slow, you're not quite sure if he's actually moving or you're having some kind of seizure" class. Branded "The best Free Transfer signing ever" by Snoz. My dad muttered something about how "Liverpool don't sell good players". Had broken his leg a few years before & was clearly all washed up, was so frustrating that we kept picking him for so long.
CM-Tim Sherwood. First action after coming off the bench for his debut was a terribly mistimed two footed tackle that he was booked for. Didn't really get any better than that. At least he did the right thing and retired that summer rather than see out his expensive contract. Notable mentions: Kevin Richardson (Big Fat Ron's secret love child, had a great career at Everton & Arsenal that was looong behind him) & Vincente Engonga. "We've signed a Spanish international!!!" "Engonga? Hasn't he retired?" He probably should have done, but I he guess just wanted to give England a crack.
ST-Alan Brazil. "Noooooo fuuuuck, we've sold Gibbo!!! I HATE FOOTBALL & LIFE!!!" "Ah it's alright though, we've got Alan Brazil as part of the deal!" Probably the day my childhood ended, tbh. 2 goals in the first 4 games, & it looked like he might be alright. He never scored again & within a year was in nonleague. Amazingly, he was only 26 when we signed him, despite looking 40. Judging from his much-documented drink issues, perhaps they may have already started by then?
ST-Dean Holdsworth. When a striker doesn't score in 6 games of a loan spell, you accept that he might not be the bloke to sign, right? Nope, you snap him up on a perm deal, then act surprised when he doesn't score, ever! Was a canny and prolific striker at his Dons best, but a shadow of his former self at City. You could see that he knew what he was meant to do, but the body just couldn't do it, so he played it simple, rarely venturing into the opposition area. Honorable mentions to Bob Latchford (who I can barely remember, just knew my dad hated, but he misses out as he did actually score a couple), Bannister second spell (he always looked kinda ill!), Kevin Drinkell (so did he, actually, very pale and wan) & Charlie George (the game was pictured in a programme I had, so it counts!).
My Pitiful Pensioners:
GK-Andy Goram. Was blinding at Oldham & had some good times in the SPL when it was still decent, but to this day Rangers fans blame him being chosen over Niemi for them losing the 97-98 title and the "10 in a row" crown. He was 34 then-we had him when he was 37, & his terminal decline had continued. Would get into our Cricketing XI, too. Backup GK has to be Shilton, just cos.
RB-Struggled here. Foley? Although we mostly played him DMC. Stephen Wright? Although he was OK 1st year I thought and got worse when moved to CB.
LB-Steve Staunton. Still had a good left foot, but so very slow when he joined us aged 34. Fights off competition from Kenny Sansom (who played in the glorious Xmas maulings of Liverpool & Villa, so wasn't that bad!), Dean Gordon (actually really good at Palace & Midboro but total bobbins at City) & Hermann, who was never that good (& only played a few games before injury).
CB-Arjan de Zeeuw. Absolute legend at his previous clubs & a nice bloke, but a total donkey for us. Was so slow that it felt as if time had stood still when watching him. If he had to turn, it was like he was stuck in quicksand. Within a year of leaving us was working as a detective.
CB-Terry Butcher. Terrible manager & utterly knackered as a player when he rocked up (bad knees I think?)-costing a whopping £400k too. As a teenager, I was so excited by his signing coming not long after the glory of Italia 90, visions of Butcher strutting around in a fancy new sweeper system in my mind. My cynical old dad knew better, "nah, he's well past it!" Had the gall to bin off Peake and Regis for being over the hill (when they weren't, but he was). Plenty of other CB contenders: Gillespie 2nd stint (although he did got crocked); Steve Walsh for being utterly fucking abysmal in his brief appearances & ex-Leicester (but despite their adoration, I can't believe he was ever all that); Andy Webster misses out on the "was never that great" rule, despite that Rangers fan-made vid of him on the treatment table...
RM-Struggled to think of many, but maybe Stephen Hunt? Also possibly Andy Impey: clearly only signed as he was Adams' old mate & only paid if he played, so Adams used to bring him on for a few mins at the end just for that reason...
LM-Joe Cole. Can only be him, really. Never seen a player spend so long hunched over, gasping for air with his hands on his hips. Fair enough that he was good for Maddison, but the circus equally derailed us. Others: Peter Barnes (but one great goal); John Salako-had his moments, but was a truly cracking player at Palace & rapid. By the time we got him, he had a dead mans tendon in his knee (the best chant we never had, that!) & was terrified of running at full backs; & Keith O'Neill (not that we really saw him...)
CM-Kevin MacDonald. Has to be, really. Another one in the "so slow, you're not quite sure if he's actually moving or you're having some kind of seizure" class. Branded "The best Free Transfer signing ever" by Snoz. My dad muttered something about how "Liverpool don't sell good players". Had broken his leg a few years before & was clearly all washed up, was so frustrating that we kept picking him for so long.
CM-Tim Sherwood. First action after coming off the bench for his debut was a terribly mistimed two footed tackle that he was booked for. Didn't really get any better than that. At least he did the right thing and retired that summer rather than see out his expensive contract. Notable mentions: Kevin Richardson (Big Fat Ron's secret love child, had a great career at Everton & Arsenal that was looong behind him) & Vincente Engonga. "We've signed a Spanish international!!!" "Engonga? Hasn't he retired?" He probably should have done, but I he guess just wanted to give England a crack.
ST-Alan Brazil. "Noooooo fuuuuck, we've sold Gibbo!!! I HATE FOOTBALL & LIFE!!!" "Ah it's alright though, we've got Alan Brazil as part of the deal!" Probably the day my childhood ended, tbh. 2 goals in the first 4 games, & it looked like he might be alright. He never scored again & within a year was in nonleague. Amazingly, he was only 26 when we signed him, despite looking 40. Judging from his much-documented drink issues, perhaps they may have already started by then?
ST-Dean Holdsworth. When a striker doesn't score in 6 games of a loan spell, you accept that he might not be the bloke to sign, right? Nope, you snap him up on a perm deal, then act surprised when he doesn't score, ever! Was a canny and prolific striker at his Dons best, but a shadow of his former self at City. You could see that he knew what he was meant to do, but the body just couldn't do it, so he played it simple, rarely venturing into the opposition area. Honorable mentions to Bob Latchford (who I can barely remember, just knew my dad hated, but he misses out as he did actually score a couple), Bannister second spell (he always looked kinda ill!), Kevin Drinkell (so did he, actually, very pale and wan) & Charlie George (the game was pictured in a programme I had, so it counts!).