Jokes (1 Viewer)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks that Dave knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... You and the Pope came out onto the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Another terrible joke in anticipation of Burns night tomorrow.
https://x.com/JamesMelville
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!" "

Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

A well known sex offender flashed three elderly ladies in the park yesterday. Two of them had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach.

Tech support to the rescue...
A young woman who submitted a tech support message presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The query:

The support ticket:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response:

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me. html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Coventry City defending 1-0 leads away from home.

A drunk, staggering home, comes across a motorist at the roadside, with the car bonnet up. Approaching the motorist, the drunk says, "What's the problem, mate?"
The motorist looks up from the engine and says, "Piston broke."
The drunk says, "Me too!!"

BBC is a joke. There was a time when you'd never see a spelling or grammar mistake even in local papers but now they're everywhere.

Gen DS (dumbed down) is here.

Captain Dart said:

BBC is a joke. There was a time when you'd never see a spelling or grammar mistake even in local papers but now they're everywhere.

Gen DS (dumbed down) is here.

Click to expand...

My Dad stopped buying the Coventry Telegraph as the spelling and grammer errors used to make him furious.

I think the adverts on the website would tip him over the edge

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I subscribe to Magzter, giving me access to magazines and newspapers on line. It's amazing with newspapers how much content is shared across the range of redtops and locals.

Back on topic..

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinarian’s office. She lays the bird on the table. The vet listens to its chest with a stethoscope, pauses, then shakes his head. “I’m sorry,” he says. “Your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The woman gasps. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” says the vet. “Your duck is dead.”

“How can you be so certain?” she demands. “You haven’t run any tests. What if he’s just in a coma?”

The vet sighs and leaves the room. A few minutes later, he returns with a black Labrador. The dog stands on its hind legs, places its paws on the table, and sniffs the duck carefully from beak to tail. Then it looks at the vet sadly and shakes its head. The vet nods and escorts the dog out.

Moments later, he comes back with a cat. The cat jumps onto the table, delicately sniffs the duck from head to foot, then sits back, shakes its head, and lets out a soft meow before strolling out.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1500!?” she cried, “$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!?”

The vet shrugged, “I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $1500.”

did you hear about the minibus that was carrying a load of Elvis Impersonators that crashed?

No major injuries, but they're all shook up

Why do people think I'm from Kent? Well, that's what they mutter when they pass me in the street.

Bertola said:

did you hear about the minibus that was carrying a load of Elvis Impersonators that crashed?

No major injuries, but they're all shook up

Click to expand...

You get that from Paradise? That same joke was in one of the latest episodes.

Joe King said:

Why do people think I'm from Kent? Well, that's what they mutter when they pass me in the street.

Click to expand...

In a similar vein....

A bloke wins a camel in a card game and takes it to show his mate.

His mate is flabbergasted at the situation and asks the guy what he's going to do with it.

"I wasn't sure at first" says the bloke "but now I am actually riding it round town. No petrol costs and it's actually quite comfortable to sit on"

"Okay" says the mate. "Is it a boy or girl camel?"

And the bloke says "It's definitely a girl."

"How do you know that?" Asks the mate

"Well, because I was riding it down the high street the other day and I heard one guy say to another "look at the c*nt on that camel."

I was doing a crossword in the pub & said to my Scottish mate,

"I'm stuck on this one: Trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M."

He said, "It’s Marooned."

I said, "Oh ok, I'll have a gin & tonic then please!"https://x.com/TJ071039

Captain Dart said:

I was doing a crossword in the pub & said to my Scottish mate,

"I'm stuck on this one: Trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M."

He said, "It’s Marooned."

I said, "Oh ok, I'll have a gin & tonic then please!"https://x.com/TJ071039

Click to expand...

And then he nutted you for ordering a woman's drink

Sky_Blue_Dreamer said:

And then he nutted you for ordering a woman's drink

Click to expand...

That's heavy man.

This nun joins a holy order where she’s only allowed to say two words every three years

Three years pass and she goes into the mother superiors office the mother superior says speak child . The nun says beds lumpy the mother superior says don’t worry
Another three years pass and the nun is ushered into the mother superiors office and she says speak child the nun says foods rubbish the mother superior says don’t worry

Another three years pass and the nun is ushered into the mother superiors office the mother superior says speak child and the nun says I’m leaving . The mother superior says good you’ve done fuck all but moan since you got here

I dunno it just appeals to my sense of humour, am I a bad man?

I was shocked to read in the paper today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed.
I thought, how can anyone stoop so low!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After the bartender serves him, the man says, “If I show you something amazing, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night?”

The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “It’d have to be something really spectacular to take that offer.” The man reaches down, sets a small box on the bar, and opens it. Inside is a tiny man — about a foot tall —sitting beside a little piano.

The tiny man begins playing beautiful classical music — pieces by Beethoven and Chopin. When he finishes, the bartender is stunned. “Alright,” he says, “you’ve got free drinks all night — but only if you tell me where you got that!”

The man replies, “In the alley behind this bar, there’s a genie granting wishes to anyone who asks.” Excited, the bartender rushes out back to try his luck. A few minutes later, the alley erupts in a deafening chorus of quacking.

The bartender bursts back inside, slams the door, and braces it as thousands of ducks pile up outside. Out of breath, he turns to the man and says, “That genie must be hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, and now I’ve got a million ducks!”

The man chuckles and says, “Yeah… did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

Two nuns driving through Transylvania during the night when dracula jumps out on them, one nun looks at the other, sees her crucifix round her neck and shouts to her show him your cross, show him your cross, so she quickly winds down the window and shouts fuck off you goofy cu*t!

A brilliant observation.

I had a rash on my testicles.I went to see a woman doctor, and she was holding my testicles.

She said, You’ve got to stop Masturbating."

I said why?

She said because I'm trying to examine you.

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer

The lawyer says 'Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy'

Mickey says 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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Leicester City Football Club.