crap joke thread

Sky_Blue_Daz

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Mar 20, 2011
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Did you hear about the fella who rubbed noses with an Eskimo prostitute?
He got a dose of sniffilis
 

skybluedan

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Aug 4, 2010
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jersey (right on the beach)
a little boy says to his gran is it all right to get in the shower with you,yes says his gran while in the shower he points at her muff and says gran what's that to which his gran replies it's just my beaver lad a few days later he is at home and his mum is in the bath mum can I get in the bath with you, yes says his mum when in the bath same again points at her muff and says what's that, a beaver says his mum why do you ask? Because I seen grannies beaver the other day but I think it might be dead because it's tongues hanging out..................
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
My missus sent me a text the other night saying she was in casualty.
The lying bitch! I stayed in and watched the whole fucking episode and didn't see her anywhere.
That woman will do anything to keep me from going to the pub.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
i went to my mates funeral today. he was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him between the eyes.
it was a lovely service though
My kind of humour, Malaka!
 
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Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
I love watching people using the medicated hand gel in hospitals. Everyone looks like they're hatching an evil plan!
 

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
Oct 26, 2013
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Bill Gates is such a great admirer of Elon Musk that he considered naming one of his children after him, but in the end he decided that would be too much of a stretch.
 

Malaka

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Jan 23, 2014
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Coventry
I got a job in a circus as a human cannonball. I only lasted a day, I got fired yesterday
 
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skybluetony176

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Aug 2, 2013
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I had to leave my job working at the local bike shop after refusing to answer the phone. Too many crank calls.
 

Captain Dart

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Oct 26, 2013
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I fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went mental!

No one treats me like a mug!
 

Astute

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2011
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Cumbria
My mother's dog died. So to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid. "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
 

Captain Dart

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Oct 26, 2013
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I’ve been trying to think of some vegetable jokes.

If you can think of any, lettuce know.
 
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Malaka

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Jan 23, 2014
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Coventry
Got a new girlfriend. I helped her move into another flat and saw that she had a police uniform, a nurse uniform and a french maid outfit.
I'm having second thoughts about her, seems she can't be trusted to hold a job down
 

Liquid Gold

Well-Known Member
Sep 16, 2013
19,561
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Brizzle
Lost my watch at a party the other day then I saw some bloke stood on it harassing this woman.
I went over and smacked him.
Nobody treats women like that, not on my watch.
 
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Captain Dart

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Oct 26, 2013
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I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.

I’m alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
 

Captain Dart

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Oct 26, 2013
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Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags.
Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night: ‘What time is it?’ ‘
Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’ *blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
 
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torchomatic

Well-Known Member
Feb 25, 2008
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Warwick
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town Centre.
 

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
Oct 26, 2013
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I got asked today “Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”

I answered “A lift engineer obviously.”
 
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Captain Dart

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Oct 26, 2013
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If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

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Mar 20, 2011
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Fella sat on the pavement with a fishing rod
I said “you catched much”
He said “you’re the 8th”
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Mar 20, 2011
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I went to view a house today it was so small I put the key on the front door and smashed a window in the kitchen
 

Sky Blue Harry H

Well-Known Member
Feb 9, 2011
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warwick
One my 12 year old gave me (already passing the blame)

I wen to the zoo today
It only had one animal
It was a dpg
It was a Shitzu
 

Captain Dart

Well-Known Member
Oct 26, 2013
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
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Malvern
I save money by shaving my little girls head bald every few months. Then I take her to the pub with me and get drinks bought for me all day.
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Jan 24, 2011
11,377
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Malvern
The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral ...

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