crap joke thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic Chat' started by Sky_Blue_Daz, Oct 8, 2014.

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  1. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the fella who rubbed noses with an Eskimo prostitute?
    He got a dose of sniffilis
     
  2. LastGarrison

    LastGarrison Well-Known Member

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    What did the constipated mathematician do?

    He worked it out with a pencil.
     
  3. skybluedan

    skybluedan Well-Known Member

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    a little boy says to his gran is it all right to get in the shower with you,yes says his gran while in the shower he points at her muff and says gran what's that to which his gran replies it's just my beaver lad a few days later he is at home and his mum is in the bath mum can I get in the bath with you, yes says his mum when in the bath same again points at her muff and says what's that, a beaver says his mum why do you ask? Because I seen grannies beaver the other day but I think it might be dead because it's tongues hanging out..................
     
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  4. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from Malvern

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    My missus sent me a text the other night saying she was in casualty.
    The lying bitch! I stayed in and watched the whole fucking episode and didn't see her anywhere.
    That woman will do anything to keep me from going to the pub.
     
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  5. bulko

    bulko Member

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    Had my photo took with REM that’s me in the corner.
     
  6. Malaka

    Malaka Well-Known Member

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    i went to my mates funeral today. he was tragically killed playing tennis when a ball hit him between the eyes.
    it was a lovely service though
     
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  7. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from Malvern

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    My kind of humour, Malaka!
     
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  8. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from Malvern

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    I love watching people using the medicated hand gel in hospitals. Everyone looks like they're hatching an evil plan!
     
  9. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    Bill Gates is such a great admirer of Elon Musk that he considered naming one of his children after him, but in the end he decided that would be too much of a stretch.
     
  10. Malaka

    Malaka Well-Known Member

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    I got a job in a circus as a human cannonball. I only lasted a day, I got fired yesterday
     
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  11. Malaka

    Malaka Well-Known Member

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    i was in the pub and there was a band on called The Duvet's. They were ok but they only did covers
     
  12. skybluetony176

    skybluetony176 Well-Known Member

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    I had to leave my job working at the local bike shop after refusing to answer the phone. Too many crank calls.
     
  13. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    I fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went mental!

    No one treats me like a mug!
     
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  14. Astute

    Astute Well-Known Member

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    My mother's dog died. So to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

    She was livid. "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
     
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  15. Astute

    Astute Well-Known Member

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    How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach?

    It's not hard.
     
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  16. Malaka

    Malaka Well-Known Member

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    I got into a sword fight the other day. He sliced off my arms. legs and torso. So I quit while I was a head
     
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  17. Astute

    Astute Well-Known Member

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    I don't know what shocked the postman the most.

    The fact that I came to the door totally naked or the fact I knew where he lives.
     
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  18. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    I’ve been trying to think of some vegetable jokes.

    If you can think of any, lettuce know.
     
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  19. Liquid Gold

    Liquid Gold Well-Known Member

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    Man walks into a library and ask for a book on turtles
    "Hardback?" Says the Librarian
    "Yeah and little heads"
     
  20. Astute

    Astute Well-Known Member

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    A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache'
     
  21. Malaka

    Malaka Well-Known Member

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    Got a new girlfriend. I helped her move into another flat and saw that she had a police uniform, a nurse uniform and a french maid outfit.
    I'm having second thoughts about her, seems she can't be trusted to hold a job down
     
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  22. Liquid Gold

    Liquid Gold Well-Known Member

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    Lost my watch at a party the other day then I saw some bloke stood on it harassing this woman.
    I went over and smacked him.
    Nobody treats women like that, not on my watch.
     
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  23. JulianDarbyFTW

    JulianDarbyFTW Well-Known Member

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    They'll struggle to find a man of the same calibre.
     
  24. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

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    Fella comes in from work and gives his wife a big bouquet of flowers
    She says “I suppose I’m gonna have to open my legs for this”
    He says “ haven’t you got a vase”
     
  25. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    I just opened a kitchen cupboard and loads of Omega 3 capsules fell on my head.

    I’m alright though, just some superfishoil injuries.
     
  26. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags.
    Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night: ‘What time is it?’ ‘
    Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’ *blows trombone loudly*
    Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
     
  27. torchomatic

    torchomatic Well-Known Member

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    Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

    Stirling Moss.
    Lewis Hamilton.
    Eddie Irvine.
    Ayr Town Centre.
     
  28. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    I got asked today “Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”

    I answered “A lift engineer obviously.”
     
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  29. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

    This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
     
  30. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

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    Fella sat on the pavement with a fishing rod
    I said “you catched much”
    He said “you’re the 8th”
     
  31. Sky_Blue_Daz

    Sky_Blue_Daz Well-Known Member

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    I went to view a house today it was so small I put the key on the front door and smashed a window in the kitchen
     
  32. Sky Blue Harry H

    Sky Blue Harry H Well-Known Member

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    One my 12 year old gave me (already passing the blame)

    I wen to the zoo today
    It only had one animal
    It was a dpg
    It was a Shitzu
     
  33. Captain Dart

    Captain Dart Well-Known Member

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    I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
    It was sole destroying.
     
  34. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from Malvern

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    I save money by shaving my little girls head bald every few months. Then I take her to the pub with me and get drinks bought for me all day.
     
  35. Houchens Head

    Houchens Head Fairly well known member from Malvern

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    The man who invented the word search has died. His funeral ...

    T T I S P V G K M P
    H J G U O N Q U X
    N M O N D A Y S Z
    B A T K T E N O P G
     

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