Bad joke corner (2 Viewers)

[Hugh Jarse]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.

Locals were shouting paedo and other horrible names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 52.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.......bastards!

 

[skybluedan]

roses are red
violets are blue
ive got alzheimers
cheese on toast.................

 

[skybluedan]

just broke the world record for holding my breath under water
an incredible 8 mins and 42 seconds

it all started when a girl at the swimming baths shouted
thats him over there daddy...................

 

[dutchman]

Hundreds of women took to the streets of Birmingham today dressed as prostitutes.

It had nothing to do with the 'Slutwalk', they were just trying to make a few quid!

 

[Disorganised1]

I've been told I've got ADHD - that's Attention Deficiency Hello Dad.

 

[Ernie Machin]

Booked the best table in the place for my 10th anniversary but my missus was furious.

Turns out she doesn't like snooker.

 

[Coventry La La La]

Stephen Hawking has admitted that, if in great pain, he may consider assisted suicide.

Or "Task Manager" as he calls it

 

[Sky Blue Luke]

Randy Lerner sees an old woman walking past villa park, struggling with her shopping bags, so he shouts over ''can you manage love?''

She replies, ''Fuck off, I don't want the job.''

 

[skybluedan]

Man walks into his house with a duck under his arm
and says this is the pig ive been fucking.....
His wife says but thats a duck not a pig...
He says i was talking to the fuckin duck......................................

 

[skybluedan]

Haha they said i would miss my wife when she left me
but i never miss from close range........................

 

[smileycov]

Interviewer...name please, john fucking twat bollocs pissflaps wilson.
Interviewer...do you have tourettes john? no, but my vicar did at the christening!

 

[Coventry La La La]

I never believed that my dad used to steal from his job as a lolly pop man
But all the signs were there!

 

[Coventry La La La]

Stephen Hawking has committed suicide. The autopsy reveals he pressed Alt + F4

 

[Coventry La La La]

I hate cunts who suddenly start playing tennis just as it's Wimbledon week.

Like Andy Murray.

 

[blueflint]

went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread the birds were all over me :wave::wave:

 

[Coventry La La La]

Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...

 

[Coventry La La La]

No matter how hard I try, I can't understand why people drop gum in urinals.

There's still plenty of flavour left in them.

 

[Hcut PUSB]

Two parrots sat on a pearch, "one says to th eother can you smell fish".

 

[CovKingChris]

I walked it to a bank the other day and handed the cashier a big bag of marijuana.

The cashier said "What's this for?"

To whcih I replied, "I'm here to open a joint account". :laugh:

 

[dutchman]

Q: What do you get if you cross a woman from Birmingham with an orangutan?

A: An extremely ugly orangutan

 

[CovKingChris]

In the new series of Bear Grylls: Born Survivor, Bear tries his hand at survival in one of the world's most uninhabitable places: Lily Allen's womb.

 

[Coventry La La La]

The News Of The World claim to be number 1 for news, yet there was a massive story about phone hacking in the week and they didn't even bother to cover it.

 

[KelV6]

I think my plumber used to work for News Of The World, he's just put a tap on my phone!

 

[DH - Sky Blue]

What's 'ET' short for?

Because he's only got little legs.

 

[AlexJohnson93]

Cristiano Ronaldo and his girlfriend are having a romantic wine-fuelled picnic on the beach. His girlfriend says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me.” Ronaldo uncorks a bottle of red wine and pours it all over her lips before kissing her. The girl says “That was wonderful Cristiano, but why the red wine?” Ronaldo replies “I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not have red meat unless I have red wine.” The girl is mesmerised and says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me lower!” Ronaldo whips out a bottle of white wine and pours it all over the girl’s breasts, then kisses them hungrily. The girl says “Oh Cristiano, that was wonderful. But why the white wine?” Again, Ronaldo replies “I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not have white meat unless I have white wine.” The girl, now completely in awe, says “Oh Cristiano, kiss me lower!”
Ronaldo then stands the girl up and barges her back to the sand roughly. He then proceeds to eat her out like an expert. The girl, breathless, says “Cristiano, that was wonderful! But why did you barge me to the ground?” Ronaldo replies….... “I am Ronaldo, I am not stupid. I will not go down unless there is sufficient contact.”

 

[AlexJohnson93]

How many Villa fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Both of them.
(NB. They don’t like this, it implies that there are only two Villa fans and they make a point stressing that Villa have more than two fans.)

 

[skybluedan]

a mother is at the zoo with her daughter,the daughter says to her mum, mum what are them monkeys doin over there, the mum looks over and the monkeys are going at it,she says oh nothing there just baking cakes,later when they were at home the daughter says to her mum, mummy you and daddy were baking cakes the othernight ,the mum says how do you no that?
she says because i licked the icing off the sofa...................................

 

[redsox]

My first girlfriend was cross-eyed...
I broke up with her because I thought she was seeing someone else...:thinking about:

 

[Disorganised1]

I was looking on E-Bay today, I see BSkyB is back on offer ~ "Due to time-wasters"

 

[Coventry La La La]

Did you know Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian?

 

[Hugh Jarse]

My next door neighbour just asked me if I had taken anything off her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants!

 

[DH - Sky Blue]

You ever called the wrong number?
They're always in aren't they?

 

[blueflint]

isn't it odd how hot women always drive small fancy cars that reminds me the mot's due on the wifes transit

 

[Lets all sing together]

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

 

[Tommy Pitera]

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"

"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."

"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key."