CovKingChris
Facebook User
Joke number 700. Here we go.
BIN LADEN! COMING TO A BEACH NEAR YOU! :laugh:
BIN LADEN! COMING TO A BEACH NEAR YOU! :laugh:
Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter redsox
- Start date
Coventry La La La
New Member
What's the difference between my tool box and the premier league??
there will be hammers in my tool box next week
there will be hammers in my tool box next week
skyblueprincess
New Member
What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
A tuba toothpaste.
skyblueprincess
New Member
A girl saw an attractive man in a bar. She sat next to him, ordered a drink and introduced herself. They became friendly and she invited him home.
When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable."
She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris, 1998."
He smiled and continued watching TV.
She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco, 1997."
Again he smiled and continued watching TV.
This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now, 1999."
There were still no results.
She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?"
The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Mowing machine, 1996!"
When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable."
She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris, 1998."
He smiled and continued watching TV.
She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco, 1997."
Again he smiled and continued watching TV.
This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now, 1999."
There were still no results.
She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?"
The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Mowing machine, 1996!"
skyblueprincess
New Member
It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus .
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialled 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.
In his pain and panic, he dialled 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
dilligaf
New Member
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherdexclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Phew," exclaims the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Now where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story;-
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherdexclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Phew," exclaims the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Now where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story;-
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.
dilligaf
New Member
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.
' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.
' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
dilligaf
New Member
The Banking Crisis simply explained... Young Fred bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Fred replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Fred said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Fred said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Fred said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Fred and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'
Fred said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Fred said, 'Just the feller who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Fred ended up working for the Royal Bank of Scotland.....
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry, son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Fred replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Fred said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Fred said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Fred said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Fred and asked, 'What happened with
that dead donkey?'
Fred said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Fred said, 'Just the feller who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Fred ended up working for the Royal Bank of Scotland.....
dilligaf
New Member
An elderly couple, Barb and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Barb looked him over.
'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Barb, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Barb looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BARB?''
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''
Without changing her expression, Barb replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat
'Notice anything different about me?'
Barb looked him over.
'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Barb, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Barb looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BARB?''
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''
Without changing her expression, Barb replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat
Coventry La La La
New Member
These jokes are getting far to good for the bad joke corner. 
Why is a bad joke like a poor pencil? Because it has no point.
Why is a bad joke like a poor pencil? Because it has no point.
Disorganised1
New Member
Man takes his rotweiller to the vet because he's cross-eyed. The vet examines him and says "I can cure this, but, it'll cost £100" The man says to go ahead, so the vet tells him to watch the dogs eyes.
The vet gets a plastic tube sticks it up the dog's arse and blows into it. Slowly the dog's eyes come straight. The man pays the vet and goes home.
A month later he comes down and the dog is cross-eyed again, so he thinks "I'm not paying a hundred quid again." He goes down the garden and cuts the end off his hose brings it back, sticks it up the dogs backside and starts blowing. After a bit he stops and comes to check the dog's eyes, but they're still crossed.
Eventually he decides it's because he has to keep going round the front to check where the eyes are, so he phones his mate and asks him to come and help.
His mate comes round and he says what he's going to do, and asks his mate to tell him when the dog's eyes are straight, so he knows when to stop blowing.
So the friend sits in front of the dog, holding it's head going ~ "No change ~ No change ~ No change ~No change." After 10 minutes the bloke is totally out of breath and the dogs eyes are still crossed. So he says to his mate, "look you blow and I'll watch."
So the guy goes to the dog's rear end and starts pulling the tube out. The bloke says "What are you doing ? It took me ages to get that in place."
His mate replies "Well, you don't think I'm going to blow in the same end as you do you ?"
The vet gets a plastic tube sticks it up the dog's arse and blows into it. Slowly the dog's eyes come straight. The man pays the vet and goes home.
A month later he comes down and the dog is cross-eyed again, so he thinks "I'm not paying a hundred quid again." He goes down the garden and cuts the end off his hose brings it back, sticks it up the dogs backside and starts blowing. After a bit he stops and comes to check the dog's eyes, but they're still crossed.
Eventually he decides it's because he has to keep going round the front to check where the eyes are, so he phones his mate and asks him to come and help.
His mate comes round and he says what he's going to do, and asks his mate to tell him when the dog's eyes are straight, so he knows when to stop blowing.
So the friend sits in front of the dog, holding it's head going ~ "No change ~ No change ~ No change ~No change." After 10 minutes the bloke is totally out of breath and the dogs eyes are still crossed. So he says to his mate, "look you blow and I'll watch."
So the guy goes to the dog's rear end and starts pulling the tube out. The bloke says "What are you doing ? It took me ages to get that in place."
His mate replies "Well, you don't think I'm going to blow in the same end as you do you ?"
SkyBlue_Am
New Member
q. What do elephants use when they are on their periods?
a. sheep
a. sheep
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
A cloud
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
I went to Boots this lunchtime. I was stopped outside by an employee & asked "Excuse me sir, what are your favourite grooming products?"
I said, "Well, it's F@cebook, Haribo & puppies, obviously."
I said, "Well, it's F@cebook, Haribo & puppies, obviously."
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.
Hugh Jarse
Well-Known Member
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
Disorganised1
New Member
My copy of FIFA won't load ~ apparently it's corrupt.
SkyBlue_Am
New Member
What do you call a fat computer?
A dell.
A dell.
Coventry La La La
New Member
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
redsox
Facebook User
A man distressed after a lifetime of suffering from his small penis hears of a doctor in India who can cure his ailment. Without further delay he departs to meet him. It is explained to him that it will cost £5000 and that the procedure involves a recently deceased baby elephant's trunk. The man gleefully parts with the money and undergoes th painful surgery.
On his return , the man , with a new sense of confidence starts dating once again. On one such date he is sitting opposite a young lady and the date is going well when from under the table a grey trunk appears grabs an apple from the table and disappears.
"What was that?" asks the young lady ,
he duly obliges with an explanation of his recent surgery.
"cool" she replies "can you do that apple thing again?"
"well I could , the trunk could manage .......but I'm not sure my arse could take another!!!"
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
On his return , the man , with a new sense of confidence starts dating once again. On one such date he is sitting opposite a young lady and the date is going well when from under the table a grey trunk appears grabs an apple from the table and disappears.
"What was that?" asks the young lady ,
he duly obliges with an explanation of his recent surgery.
"cool" she replies "can you do that apple thing again?"
"well I could , the trunk could manage .......but I'm not sure my arse could take another!!!"
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
Coventry La La La
New Member
BREAKING NEWS: Sergio Ramos has confirmed he will be moving to Arsenal this Summer, to ensure he never drops a trophy again.
CovKingChris
Facebook User
Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The Ultra-sound guy.
The Ultra-sound guy.
We'll_live_and_die
Moderator
Did you hear the one about Marlon King agreeing a new deal at CCFC.
