Bad joke corner (1 Viewer)

skybluedan · Aug 6, 2012

theres a granny in the shower,her little grandson walks in and says gran can i get in the shower with you,
she says ok then,while in the shower the little boy points at her fanny and says gran whats that? to which his gran replies thats just me beaver lad,
a couple of days later he is at home and his mum is in the bath,same again,mum can i get in the bath with you,so his mum tells him to get in,while in the bath he points again to his mums fanny this time, mum what s that?,to which she replies thats just me beaver why do you ask? he says because i seen grannys beaver the other but i think it might be dead because its tongues hanging out..........

KelV6 · Aug 14, 2012

Ferdinand got very very excited when he heard the female Swedish gymnastics team had said they were all getting ready for Rio.

blueflint · Aug 14, 2012

Better than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated. of all
things,a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

Hugh Jarse · Aug 15, 2012

Sorry Blue but the formatting is dreadful. Lost interest after a few lines (that's reading, not coke!):facepalm:

KelV6 · Aug 16, 2012

Breaking News: Robin Van Persie's north London apartment is on fire. Police suspect Arsene.

smileycov · Aug 17, 2012

i saw my neighbour jogging at 1am, i said bit late for you dave. He said i cant sleep,
i wasn't refering to the time You Fat Fucker!!

blueflint · Aug 17, 2012

RVP writing book its got no title tho

blueflint · Aug 17, 2012

Hugh Jarse said:
Sorry Blue but the formatting is dreadful. Lost interest after a few lines (that's reading, not coke!):facepalm:

sorry pal came from e mail on my fone couldn't alter it

KelV6 · Sep 30, 2012

Walkers Mystery Flavour Crisps! They tasted just like my ex's pussy, I thought it was just my imagination, but all the lads in the pub say the same ...

Sick Boy · Sep 30, 2012

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no nob?

Still no fuckin idea

ohitsaidwalker king power · Sep 30, 2012

What do Rio Ferdinand and Jeremy Forrest have in common....

They both have absolutely no chance of getting Bale.

Hugh Jarse · Oct 4, 2012

In disgust Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll fix it badge because of the way she was treated after appearing on the show.

He never laid a finger on her.

Darth Robins · Oct 4, 2012

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

bobmarkley · Oct 7, 2012

bad jokes

anyone want to play a game of rape?
no?

that's the spirit

blueflint · Oct 8, 2012

do married men live longer than single ones or does it just seem like it

Disorganised1 · Oct 16, 2012

There's a new lesbian bed at Ikea.

No nuts or screwing, its all tongue and groove.

scroobiustom · Oct 17, 2012

to keep it topical.....UEFA

LewSkyBlue · Oct 17, 2012

Brown paper bag goes to the doctors feeling unwell. The doctor says he will need to take some samples, run some tests and he will have the results in a week. One week later the brown paper bag goes back to the doctors: "well doc, how am i?", the doctor replies "im sorry, its not good news im afraid.... you have aids.".... "AIDS!?!? how do i have aids? im only a brown paper bag". The doctor looks at the bag and says "i know but it turns out your mum was a carrier"

LewSkyBlue · Oct 17, 2012

man walks into a bar... OUCH!

LewSkyBlue · Oct 17, 2012

What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

Here come the elephants.

Brighton Sky Blue · Oct 18, 2012

How do Scots keep up with their TV?

Aye Player.

smileycov · Oct 19, 2012

Felix Baumgatner set a new world record for the fastest and highest sky dive, Luis Suarez will attempt to win it back at the weekend!!

scroobiustom · Oct 19, 2012

Richard Keys walked into a bar...

actually he floated in there on his own sense of self importance

We'll_live_and_die · Oct 19, 2012

Jimmy Saville once applied for the England Job, but he was turned down as he wanted to put Seaman in the under 16's.

redsox · Oct 21, 2012

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNYAfter having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly ...put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly ...put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respectSee more
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respectSee more

Perryccfc · Oct 23, 2012

redsox said:
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNYAfter having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly ...put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I WAS ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly ...put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respectSee more
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respectSee more

Fucking Brilliant!!!

lordsummerisle · Oct 24, 2012

Woke up the other day I found a notepad in my bad with half of The Hobbit written in it in my own handwriting, the same happened the next day with the notepad except with half of The Fellowhip of the Ring written in it.

I was concerned and went to see the doctor about it.

I explained what my problem was. and showed him the notebooks.

"Ah", he said, "A common problem, you've been Tolkein in your sleep"

smileycov · Oct 30, 2012

Chelsea have announced that if Mark Clattenburg did indeed make a racist comment, then they will be left with no option but to make him Captain.

lordsummerisle · Oct 30, 2012

The American Met Office have issued a warning that Hurricane Sandy is to be upgraded to British Summer.

KelV6 · Dec 13, 2012

Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in an Arsenal strip?

The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.

deanocity3 · Dec 13, 2012

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "Ah Sisu have just paid all the unpaid rent,bought David Mcgoldrick,and sold Hussey and Bell for 1M each!!!."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

Coventry La La La · Dec 13, 2012

I'm so excited.

Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas!

DH - Sky Blue · Dec 14, 2012

It's commonly thought that the Three Wise Men gave very generous gifts to the Baby Jesus, but people forget that these were for joint Christmas and Birthday.

torchomatic · Dec 14, 2012

Where does a lion buy his clothes? At a jungle sale.

torchomatic · Dec 14, 2012

They call me Spiderman at home as I can't get out of the bath.

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