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Bit of footy trivia. Did you know Manchester United player Danney Welbeck's South African grandad was a bomb desposal expert in WW11 Yes its true his name was STAN

My blonde wife forgot our anniversary "Where's the romance gone?" I moaned "Who cares?" she replied "At least they left us with straight roads"

When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl? The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery........

Not saying she's easy, but her rape alarm had a snooze button

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kW0Vic6KxLs

Without doubt one of the very best things on TV at the moment. 10 out of 10

The main objective of the club must be to halt the decline, level off and set about building a more successful club. I know fans don't want to hear it but there is nothing to suggest we have found our level yet.

I realise that the jokes don't come much older than this but some are worth another look. The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper on...

My wife wanted to spice things up and asked me to play with her breasts. I was pleasantly surprised. I found a lump.

Now then" said the Doctor, "if you can remove your trousers and slip your underwear off for me... Thank you. And jump lightly on the spot.. good, good. Nice swing. Now if you can bend over this desk.. place your hands on top. Excellent. Hold still please, you will feel a little cold gel on your...

What does this country have in common with my wife's lady bits? Labour has ruined both of them.

Just before the Grand National began, I pulled my wife's knickers down. So I could amuse myself when I heard "And they're off!". Mind you, I probably shouldn't have been wearing her knickers in the first place.

What do you call a rabbit running down your face? A stray hair.

I can understand them coming on to take the pee over what happened a long time ago. What I do struggle to understand is that some of them wish Jimmy Hill dead and the City to go out of existence. So no matter what happens they are incapable of ever letting it go and will forever feel the need to...

That's fine but don't come on here moaning about them while you continue to fund them.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ?? My missus says I'm immature and i have to grow up soon! ..Like that's going to happen so close to conker season. When I was born the midwife took one look at me and...

I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said, "Two girls are fighting over me." "OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning."

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this...