Jokes (1 Viewer)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks that Dave knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... You and the Pope came out onto the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Another terrible joke in anticipation of Burns night tomorrow.
https://x.com/JamesMelville
An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!" "

Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

A well known sex offender flashed three elderly ladies in the park yesterday. Two of them had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach.

Tech support to the rescue...
A young woman who submitted a tech support message presumably did it as a joke.
Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The query:

The support ticket:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

The response:

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me. html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck! Tech Support

Coventry City defending 1-0 leads away from home.