Crap Christmas joke thread (1 Viewer)

What’s Father Christmas’s wife called? Mary, Mary Christmas.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Sisu
Oh fuck off

A woman goes into a record shop and says, "have you got Jingle bells on a twelve inch?"
The fella behind the counter says, "I've got dangling balls on a ten inch".
The woman says, "that's not a record!".
The fella says, "No, but it's fairly impressive!.

Why is Santa always jolly?

Because he knows where all tje naughty girls live.



What does the pope and an Xmas tree have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

It may be a little early for this, but some seasonal posts have caused me to think of Christmases past.

Every Christmas we'd coming running in to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could!

Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a 3 hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.

Oh how I miss those happy times at Bishop Street sorting office.

Who say's: "Ho! Ho! Ho"! "Gerrorf my land"! ? - Farmer Christmas.

A classic:

What does a snowman keep in his pants?

Snow balls.

21st Century Christmas Terms and Conditions


During this festive season, anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way, is advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh..
This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. I would also advise against dashing and would recommend a maximum speed of 10MPH unless seat-belts are fitted.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by anyone working as shepherds during this festive season and are planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. This must be briefed to all shepherds and copies of signatures recorded.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to our bribery policy and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual,
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of gold is specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions, such as frankincense, myrrh and other well known High Street body & bath oils.
Finally, in the recent instance of an infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Safe New Year.

My kids keep on taking the piss out of my Alzheimer’s. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under their bonfire.

I was never wanted as a Child.
Every year for Christmas I would receive a pack of batteries with a note attached which read:
'Toys not included!'

"You're an angel." I said to my wife, as I shoved the Christmas tree up her arse.

Houchens Head said:

"You're an angel." I said to my wife, as I shoved the Christmas tree up her arse.

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you had your op H?

clint van damme said:

you had your op H?

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Really, really angry about this mate. No I haven't. Through no fault of mine, it has been cancelled. A huge f**k up by the admissions Dept. What happened was, I was given the time of 10.30am to be on the ward on Wednesday. The letter clearly stated the time and date. It also said that I could have a "light breakfast" before 7am, which I did. At 8.00am the ward sister phoned me asking where the hell I was!! She ranted and raved saying I should have been there at 7.30am and now the surgeon is annoyed because I didn't turn up! Then the anaesthetist came on the phone and asked me if I'd eaten anything. Of course, I said. The letter stated that I could. Well, we can't do the surgery, he snapped! Jeez! I was made to feel as if it was all my fault! I had the appointment letter at the start of November, and get this.. they also sent me a text reminder two days prior, to let me know that I had to be on the ward at 10.30!! I have started a complaints procedure and should receive some news today. I'll keep you posted.

Houchens Head said:

Really, really angry about this mate. No I haven't. Through no fault of mine, it has been cancelled. A huge f**k up by the admissions Dept. What happened was, I was given the time of 10.30am to be on the ward on Wednesday. The letter clearly stated the time and date. It also said that I could have a "light breakfast" before 7am, which I did. At 8.00am the ward sister phoned me asking where the hell I was!! She ranted and raved saying I should have been there at 7.30am and now the surgeon is annoyed because I didn't turn up! Then the anaesthetist came on the phone and asked me if I'd eaten anything. Of course, I said. The letter stated that I could. Well, we can't do the surgery, he snapped! Jeez! I was made to feel as if it was all my fault! I had the appointment letter at the start of November, and get this.. they also sent me a text reminder two days prior, to let me know that I had to be on the ward at 10.30!! I have started a complaints procedure and should receive some news today. I'll keep you posted.

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fucks sake H, that's shit.
Any news on a reschedule?

Houchens Head said:

Really, really angry about this mate. No I haven't. Through no fault of mine, it has been cancelled. A huge f**k up by the admissions Dept. What happened was, I was given the time of 10.30am to be on the ward on Wednesday. The letter clearly stated the time and date. It also said that I could have a "light breakfast" before 7am, which I did. At 8.00am the ward sister phoned me asking where the hell I was!! She ranted and raved saying I should have been there at 7.30am and now the surgeon is annoyed because I didn't turn up! Then the anaesthetist came on the phone and asked me if I'd eaten anything. Of course, I said. The letter stated that I could. Well, we can't do the surgery, he snapped! Jeez! I was made to feel as if it was all my fault! I had the appointment letter at the start of November, and get this.. they also sent me a text reminder two days prior, to let me know that I had to be on the ward at 10.30!! I have started a complaints procedure and should receive some news today. I'll keep you posted.

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not much of a punchline

clint van damme said:

fucks sake H, that's shit.
Any news on a reschedule?

Click to expand...

Hospital phoned this morning admitting everything was their fault. Apparently, my surgeon was fuming because he had set up a few things because of my health history, e.g. a bed on the Critical Care Unit, a heart consultant at the ready etc. He now knows it wasn't my fault. They even asked me to choose a date that suited me! So it's now Jan 8th. About 4 weeks breathing space!

An honest politician, a hard-working civil servant and Santa Claus find a 100 dollar bill. Who gets to keep it?
Santa does, the other two are creatures of myth and legend.

The Royal Family Christmas Card
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What's hairy and sits on a wall?
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Humpty c**t.

Not exactly on topic but I didn't want to start a new thread

Everyone should lay off SISU. Remember they have never lied to the fans, have ploughed millions into CCFC and made it self sufficient and are building a new stadium for them to play in :woot:

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

From Christmas crackers this year:
"Where would you find an elephant?" - It depends on where you lost him.
"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" - Learning to read, sir.
Policeman: "Didn't you see that sign saying 'One Way'?" - Driver: "But officer, I'm only going one way".