Are you happy (1 Viewer)

mrtrench said:

I think you're right. And also the inner-suspicion that nothing I have to say is of any interest to others or that I'd be showing off. Do you act too? Just got back into it after 30 years of not having the time due to work.

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Nope, don't do acting, but always had an interest in theatre, the stage - watching and backstage rather than up front, however

It was a few years ago when I suddenly had to give lectures to people - the only way I could do that was by scripting it and doing the odd comedy 'adlib' etc. but it then became something to craft, rather than about me. The seminars on the other hand... hated them! Then it was far more about me, I couldn't hide behind some kind of public display.

So now I find myself in a rather introverted profession where I'm their public face on occasion! I find that very strange... but the mask can go on. Does make me very stressed though - what if it goes wrong? What if I look the fool?

But I also strangely look forward to it now, as well. Stick me in a group of strangers however and I'll quite happily slink to the back corner of the room! 'Networking', what a vile and horrible word that is!

Bob Mortimer takes the piss out of the networking type very well with his 'train guy'

bringbackrattles said:

My mate is threatening to me tonight , wanting to fight me. He has got no chance but wants to fight me. I'm 65 he's in his 50's. What so you reckon ?

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Why would your mate do that?

bringbackrattles said:

My pal is an ex boxer and he has 3 pints and he gets aggressive , I say okay let's have a punch up ? We go toe to toe and I get the better of him.

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Just tell him to stop being a fool and go to bed.

Back away from the beer.

mrtrench said:

Bob Mortimer takes the piss out of the networking type very well with his 'train guy'

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Unrelated but reminds me of people ordering gourmet coffees that take ages to make so everyone behind misses the train

‘One grande pumpkin mochafrappafuckface please’ Argh

Wankers use a blade proper men use fists. My dad was a fighter used his fists, he would hate this youths use knives. Wankers use blades.

bringbackrattles said:

Wankers use a blade proper men use fists. My dad was a fighter used his fists, he would hate this youths use knives. Wankers use blades.

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Weird mentality to bring a knife out with you to stab someone.

Also, shake hands and fuck off after said fist fight. None of this kicking someone when they're beat bollocks.

covmark said:

Speaking from my experience, I tried my hardest to hide my mental health problems from everyone. To this day my wife is the only person who knows what struggles I've had.
Like you say there's a difference between having a bad day and having a mental illness, and I'm not sure that many people with genuine mental health problems, want the whole world to know about their issues.

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I don’t really talk to anyone about it because I'm too proud and hate showing vulnerability. I can talk away on here because there's a level of anonymity and I genuinely want to help anyone that's in the same boat.

I've found recently one huge help is just diving head first into things. Going out for walks, sitting in a cafe people watching and just generally doing anything that pops up in life stops anxiety in it's tracks.

Just welcome that shitty voice in your head, dismiss it and carry on. Then the voice becomes less bothersome and can eventually go away.

What is it about blokes. We don’t have as many ‘friendship’ groups as women. What’s the betting coffee shops are full of lonely blokes who don’t know how to strike up a conversation...

bringbackrattles said:

Wankers use a blade proper men use fists. My dad was a fighter used his fists, he would hate this youths use knives. Wankers use blades.

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Course we could just not beat the shite out of each other in the first place

Listening to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” at the moment. Pretty entertaining and some useful nuggets for the anxious.

@bringbackrattles did you end up having the fight?

SkyBlueDom26 said:

@bringbackrattles did you end up having the fight?

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No. Just ended up sparring ! Bloody childish, but it's happened before. But onlookers watching said it looked real !

shmmeee said:

Listening to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” at the moment. Pretty entertaining and some useful nuggets for the anxious.

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That's a great book!

Sent from my I3113 using Tapatalk

I am unhappy, have been for the last 2.5 years. Pretty sure I’m not normal.

Been seeing a therapist for the last 4 months or so but no real progress has been made.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

I am unhappy, have been for the last 2.5 years. Pretty sure I’m not normal.

Been seeing a therapist for the last 4 months or so but no real progress has been made.

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Sorry to hear that mate.
Have you been seeing the same therapist? We're you referred to them by your GP?

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

I am unhappy, have been for the last 2.5 years. Pretty sure I’m not normal.

Been seeing a therapist for the last 4 months or so but no real progress has been made.

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Don't give up. I ended up seeing a counsellor/psychologist for a year. Mine was more about anger etc, but still caused unhappiness in my life. You'll get there in the end, but never ever stop getting better it just takes time.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

I am unhappy, have been for the last 2.5 years. Pretty sure I’m not normal.

Been seeing a therapist for the last 4 months or so but no real progress has been made.

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This thread shows people can be unhappy - so no need to see yourself as not being "normal".
Times are changing when you get threads like this on a football side. Shows the issues are real and can effect anyone.
Therapy doesn't seem to be a quick fix or a guaranteed fix for everyone. Again this thread shows people find (or look for) answers in different ways.
Maybe just ask your therapist directly are they seeing any changes or improvements (often we're all our own harshest critics).

clint van damme said:

Sorry to hear that mate.
Have you been seeing the same therapist? We're you referred to them by your GP?

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Yes, same one.

No I haven’t been to see a gp, I just looked online, £45 a session. He is a registered mbacp member.

I guess the next step would be to see a gp and try and get on some medication but I wanted to avoid that.

tisza said:

This thread shows people can be unhappy - so no need to see yourself as not being "normal".
Times are changing when you get threads like this on a football side. Shows the issues are real and can effect anyone.
Therapy doesn't seem to be a quick fix or a guaranteed fix for everyone. Again this thread shows people find (or look for) answers in different ways.
Maybe just ask your therapist directly are they seeing any changes or improvements (often we're all our own harshest critics).

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He says he has seen improvement but I don’t see it or feel it, and if I am ‘improving’ outwardly I certainly don’t feel it inside.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Yes, same one.

No I haven’t been to see a gp, I just looked online, £45 a session. He is a registered mbacp member.

I guess the next step would be to see a gp and try and get on some medication but I wanted to avoid that.

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You may need to see a psychologist ? Talk to your doctor, you won't need medication. No offence to the person you're seeing, but your g.p. can put you in touch with an experienced person. And on the NHS so no payments necessary. Give it a go.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Yes, same one.

No I haven’t been to see a gp, I just looked online, £45 a session. He is a registered mbacp member.

I guess the next step would be to see a gp and try and get on some medication but I wanted to avoid that.

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Just wondered if maybe it would be worth seeing another therapist.
I've no idea how these things work so was just a general question, not a suggestion from someone who knows what they're talking about.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Yes, same one.

No I haven’t been to see a gp, I just looked online, £45 a session. He is a registered mbacp member.

I guess the next step would be to see a gp and try and get on some medication but I wanted to avoid that.

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I'd go see and your gp and get their advice on what type of therapist you should be seeing.
So many different approaches out there that maybe they can help you look in a better direction.
Picking one of the internet maybe just too random for what you need.
Also may be congratulate yourself in just recognizing there's a problem and taking positive steps to find a solution. Aren't they the 1st & 2nd battles?

I’ve always been afraid a gp wouldn’t listen to me properly, that I would just get dismissed as someone who is just a little sad or upset and not having a real problem.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

I’ve always been afraid a gp wouldn’t listen to me properly, that I would just get dismissed as someone who is just a little sad or upset and not having a real problem.

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Any GP taking that attitude shouldn't be in the job but I'm sure you won't get that response from yours.
Give them a bell.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

I’ve always been afraid a gp wouldn’t listen to me properly, that I would just get dismissed as someone who is just a little sad or upset and not having a real problem.

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Not an uncommon "fear". Generally the days of "man-up" should be behind us.
If you're uncomfortable with your GP try the NHS choice lists to find a practice more in tune/specialized with mental health issues.
maybe this link helps How to talk to your GP about your mental health

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Yes, same one.

No I haven’t been to see a gp, I just looked online, £45 a session. He is a registered mbacp member.

I guess the next step would be to see a gp and try and get on some medication but I wanted to avoid that.

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Give a few a go before you give up mate. It was my third therapist that I got on with enough to make progress.

I wouldn't go towards the medication route but I've read about certain people using them and finding relief.

The Scottish comedian Limmy is very open about his depression. He almost committed suicide but pulled back and reluctantly went to a GP and asked for medication. He said that the temporary relief the drugs gave allowed him to process what was going on in his life and he started practicing mindfulness etc took himself off the pills after 6 months and has managed the depression well since.

It's all about the individual and some things will work for some and not others.

Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.

One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.

So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.

Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.

Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.

One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.

So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.

Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.

Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.

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You need to get on to your gp and find the right help. It's easy to let emotional issues pile up and then they seem to be insurmountable - been there myself.

It could be easy to say (from what you have written) that your stated relationship "issues" (even nervousness of speaking to your gp) stem from your social anxiety but get the professional opinion.
Could give you a long list of friends and family who didn't get married or start families etc. at much later stages in life than you are but doesn't really address the feeling of how personal your emotions on these things are to you.
Hope you can find the help or advice you are looking for.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.

One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.

So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.

Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.

Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.

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There are many activities for single people which naturally bring you more contact with like minded people - internet dating can work but can also be harsh so you need to be prepared for that - Professional help as above is also out there to help . You can pretty well guarantee that there are other people with similar issues - if this site does one thing it shows we are not alone with our thoughts - good luck

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.

One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.

So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.

Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.

Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.

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That’s a hard situation to be in, I feel for you. The recommendation to speak to your gp is well made, but I’m going to say that you might get more support if you find a therapist yourself rather than via your gp (on the assumption that you’re able to pay for sessions yourself - my apologies if not, this won’t be much help if payment would be difficult).

Reason being that based on my experience trying to do this via the nhs was that they’re very very scripted/formulaic in terms of what they can offer. There’s a service called IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) which is basically where you’ll get referred as a first port of call from your gp. IME they are very very very hard to deal with - you call a number, they decide whether you’re bad enough for them to even bother with, then if you pass that test you might get offered whatever they currently have available - in my case (off work with acute anxiety) they offered me a place on a group course on stress management. I turned it down.

At that point - having binned work for the time being - I found that interacting with the health service was my biggest ongoing source of anxiety. I got bloody minded with it in the end, and forced myself on through their process until I got to see someone face to face, but it was fucking hard work & took months. Had to turn down referrals to clinics for psychosis & age related memory loss along the way - they were just offering me random stuff by that point. But in the end I saw a therapist who was... ok. Not great, but ok. Six sessions, which TBF she’d have extended if either of us thought they were doing me any good.

I’m trying to say all this to be helpful, believe it or not. Your needs are 100% legitimate & you fully deserve to have them met. Just saying that your gp may not be the quickest route to a solution, and getting it by the balls & controlling the process yourself is a lot less demoralising than dealing with IAPT.

After I finished with the IAPT therapist, I found (& paid for) someone else privately. She was much much better - PM me if you want contact details, would be happy to recommend. She works in earlsdon. Think it was about £50/session iirc.

Recognising that you need help, and then reaching out for and actually getting that help, is beneficial in its own right, regardless of who you end up seeing. Your needs are legit.

Loneliness & social anxiety are huge public health issues right now, and finally getting some recognition. Good luck & stay strong, help is out there.

SkyBlue_Bear83 said:

Basically I’m a couple of years away from 30 now and a virgin who has never even been kissed, it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with you when you get to this age. It’s left me questioning my sexuality now, maybe I’m asexual or something close to it. So feeling pretty lonely and confused at the moment. It never used to bother me when I was younger but I want to get married and have kids and I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

I can appreciate a pretty woman but I’ve only really fancied 2 maybe 3 women in my life to the point where I would have wanted a relationship with them.

One of them was a married woman who I worked with a couple of years ago so that was a pretty shit situation, closest thing I’ve ever felt to love. I never told her because it was wrong but things got really awkward at work in the end and I’m 90% sure that she got a bit confused as well with her feelings for me. Only person who I ever felt a connection with, if soul mates are real then she would have been it for me. And one of the guys I worked with found out about it and basically bullied me at work for a year about it.

So yea I never really recovered properly from that, I’m using online dating now but don’t connect with anyone and just feel misunderstood all the time. All the girls I’ve fancied in the past have been slow burners, like I’ve known them and befriended them and it’s only say 6 months down the line I realise I’m attracted to them which is a bit different to normal dating culture.

Grown up with bad social anxiety but always lived with it, it’s only the last few years when I’ve started wanting different things in life that anxiety has been an issue because it holds me back from doing the things I want and as well as a few shit situations have led to what feels like a pretty bad depression over the past few years.

Add to that I don’t really have friends, I’m trying to keep in touch with people better and make more friends but find it really difficult and pointless. Feels like nobody really wants to be proper friends in this world and that most people are just polite and tolerating me because they don’t want to tell me to get lost. If you have ever seen the office scene ‘sorry for annoying you with my friendship’ where the guy loses it, that is a pretty accurate representation of me trying to make friends.

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My best friend was in the exact same situation you describe in your first paragraph. He also suffered from social anxiety, had no faith in the internet dating scene, and wouldn’t go on a date with anyone. He was in an incredibly low place and I used to meet him every week to talk through things and keep him going best I could. I was really scared as to what he might do.

We’re about two years on from that now and he’s just moved in with his girlfriend of 12 months.

I appreciate not all situations are the same, but reading your post instantly made me think of him. And I wanted to share where he is now as proof that things can get better.

Just keep going, know your are never alone - you have a forum full of strangers you can anonymously say anything you want to - and things will get better.