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Last time we had sex, Tony Blair was going into Iraq with the proof of weapons of mass destruction.

Definitely a fair tackle in Nick's eyes, that. In fact, I think Nick would buy him a pint after.

Yeah, but what peed me off the most was that I had to cut the corners off her bread. That was when it all really kicked off.

Missus isn't happy. She just asked me to pass the grapefruit from out of the fridge, so I grabbed it, bounced it twice on the laminate floor and then drop kicked it across the kitchen.

What is he waiving? His rights to a decent pay off?

Surprised you haven't said for him to break her legs with a crunching sliding tackle in the first minute to let her know he's there.

In nearly every TV show, when someone is supposedly drinking from a cup or mug, it is plainly obvious that the cup or mug is empty, again, the lightness of it when the actor in question picks it up to drink out of it is laughable.

Not if today he drops a wad of tenners crossing the road while he is lighting his big fat cuban cigar and he gets run over by a double decker bus, which kills him instantly.

Yeah, but wasn't it that, that got you barred in the end? Perv.

Wondered why my landline calls were still sounding so tinny.

Oi!!! Keep the Wasps talk off here please! Grrr!!!

Match day starts when I get to the ground. Walk. Usually between 2pm and 2.15pm Nope. No food or drink. I usually just bring a bottle of water. No pub pre or post. Half time I just stay in my seat. Boring barsteward aren't I. ;)

It breaks easily when you press on it?

Oh, you're pencil dick are you?

Just let me know when you're ready and I'll let you have my missus's phone number.

There was a documentary maybe 2, 3 or 4 years ago and they treated their staff appallingly.

Must be a relief, Moff. Is there a new 'Mrs.' Moff yet?

Yeah, 3 pints of pixie dust.

Bloody hell! Shower some of that pixie dust down this way please. ;) Fair play to you. Are you finally going to buy some new clothes at last?