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Sounds like my kinda gal. "Think I need a fart but I'm afraid I might shit myself again" "I feel fat today so I'm going to puke up my dinner later #newdiet"

My girlfriend was complaining recently about how great her friends lives were. She said anytime she sees them on instagram or Facebook they're having a great time and look amazing. I said to her that no one ever posts on instagram that they're at work or at home watching Emmerdale. It's always...

I have two cats and don't let them out because we live near a busy road. I've never worried too much about dogs though because cats are far faster and nimbler than them but I suppose if they're off guard and get in the jaws of some bastard dog then they're done for. I would have killed the dog...

In these situations you need to either ignore them and hope they go away or act like a demented fucker and scare them off. Anything else will invite trouble.

Same goes for any Chinese or Indian restaurant I go into here. They always tell me to order a takeaway directly with them and use cash and they'll give me a good deal. Just Eat and the card companies must be buggering them.

I smell bullshit.

When I think about space too much I get a bit fed up about the unrelenting nothingness and how my life has zero impact on anything and that me and my family will be turned to dust and forgotten about forever. Then I have a wank and feel better about it all.

Cash will be gone soon. Contactless payments and easy bank transfers will completely kill it off. People are lazy and will always choose the easiest method. I am one of those people.

Only Americans have walked on the moon though. You'd think that Russia, China and the big powers would have wanted to put their people up there as a show of power?

The phrase 'bent as a nine bob note' can now be updated to 'bent as a fifty pound note'

Why hasn't anyone been up there since the early 70s? You'd think that some prat like Richard Branson would have gone up by now considering that they managed to do it fifty years ago with a few cornflake boxes and a calculator.

My grandfather has had a farm for his whole life where he keeps about 100 cows each year that feed off the land and are then slaughtered and sold to local butchers. The problem is that this kind of farming doesn't sustain the modern day westerner who wants to eat beef and chicken seven days a...

Yeah Nick, what's up with that? Were the owl protection society on your case?

I don't give a shit about pre season until this owl rape situation has been resolved.

Below those I think. It's close to fruit and veg consumption which is so low they class haribo as one of their five a day.

Add 'a sense of humour' to the list of things people from Sunderland are lacking.

Imagine Willis telling his partner that they have to move to Sunderland? It must be like how the jews felt going to auschwitz only far far worse.

Threats, name calling, custard creams and owl rape. This site is becoming more like GMK by the day and I like it.

That's a nice bit of eye candy for our boy before he gets slammed up.

Fuck me. Star Wars is even infiltrating football rumour threads.