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4 blokes in a prison cell. A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac & a gay. The zoophile says "if there was a cat here i'd fuck it till it passed out". The sadist nods & says "once you're done with it i'd torture it to death". The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah & once it was dead i'd fuck it till i...

After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine.""Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.

Oh :(. I had great hopes of one of those pens you turn upside down and the lady loses her clothes - except this time the lady had the fixtures written on her (in really small writing). Too much fannying around for me, all I want to do is look up on my screen to see who coming up. Appreciate...

Can't/won't do that as that'd mean getting rid of the 'montage' of my little 'un. (if there was a smiley of someone throwing up, i'd have used it).

is there such a thing?

I know the fixtures are detailed on the calendar, but I don't suppose there's any way you could put a bar with all the fixtures, or certainly the next month's fixtures, at the top/side of each page. I personally find it a bit fiddly having to click into a new page to see who we've got coming...

Cue barrage of jokes...

It looks like one of Kanu's legs. Twiggy legs and massive feet.

Cheers Rich, I'll add it to my list and don't worry, I don't tell anyone I'm a Cov fan anymore.

Firstly, I don't need Bob the Builder. Thinking of having a little kitchen extension done. I've been through the website that you can find recommended tradesmen but its a bit random. Also I'd prefer to give the work to someone relatively local (Coventry based). So, do any of you know of, or...

I am F*ing ashamed to associate myself with this shower of shite these days.

If they're not going to bring the army in then they should allow the police to use 'special measures' which will effectively mean they're allowed to kick the shit out the little twats with no comebacks. Granted a couple may go over the top but we could just count them as casualties of war.

The looters have timed this really badly. The iPhone 5 isn't out until September. They'll just end up having to loot again when they could have done it all in one quick loot. Did you know the more you type and say the word 'loot' it sounds more and more ridiculous each time.

My wife taught a girl the other year who insisted her name was pronounced: See O Ban (I've tried to spell it as best I can so it sounds right). Her actual name was Siobhan but her thick parents didn't realise how it was actually pronounced and actually preferred it the other way. You must be...

Agree with that. Do they have police polar bears?

The villa shop was looted yesterday - 200 shirts got thrown back in :p List of solutions to the problem: 1. Water Cannon 2. Rubber bullets 3. Police Dogs 4. Tear Gas 5. The army That took me 30 seconds to think of and type, why is it taking the government 3 days+ to implement even one of those?

Then stop trying to sound like one.

And your solution is what? A nice cuddle? A nice drug substitute? Or perhaps tell them it's not their fault, it's everyone else oppressing them?

It'd certainly be a better way of approaching it rather than feeding them more crack just to to tide them over. What exactly do drug workers do then if they don't try and get their clients to adapt/change/help themselves?

Of course you can adapt to require less its what athletes/dieters/recovering addicts do all the time. And to say that professional help is only a temporary fix, well i hope this doesn't get out as addicts will end up sacking off their psychiatrists and taking the shortcut to suicide.