Its OK not to be OK (4 Viewers)
- Thread starter clint van damme
- Start date
Danceswithhorses
Well-Known Member
Here, here...please reach out to friends, family or colleagues...they will want to help you.
Perennial Lurker
Well-Known Member
I've lost 4 people who were part of my life in differing capacities in my life and each has had a huge impact on me .
I proudly wear one of the "dear person behind me " hoodies and do as much as I can to promote male mental health .
Our quiz team won the Xmas play your cards right in one of our locals on Thursday, was about £500 and we put half of it straight in the charity tin supporting male mental health .
We still as a society don't do enough , we men hurt and sometimes feel inadequate. More needs to be done.
My favourite quote is I would rather you talk to me if you need to rather than me talking about you at your funeral.
Any one of you on here ever need an ear please DM me
I proudly wear one of the "dear person behind me " hoodies and do as much as I can to promote male mental health .
Our quiz team won the Xmas play your cards right in one of our locals on Thursday, was about £500 and we put half of it straight in the charity tin supporting male mental health .
We still as a society don't do enough , we men hurt and sometimes feel inadequate. More needs to be done.
My favourite quote is I would rather you talk to me if you need to rather than me talking about you at your funeral.
Any one of you on here ever need an ear please DM me
Last edited:
Perennial Lurker
Well-Known Member
robbiekeane
Well-Known Member
We also need to normalise seeing a therapist. Still such a stigma about it but, if you go to the gym or have a trainer work on every other muscle in your body, why not your brain and mental health?
I saw one a year or two and was incredible. Bit stressed recently so going to get started again.
I saw one a year or two and was incredible. Bit stressed recently so going to get started again.
Well said Robbie.
In the US it’s relatively common place now to see a therapist ( if you can afford to do so ). The barrier there is much less social and more economic. In the UK I think we still have both barriers.
My best mate and I have a simple question we ask each other when we want to check in “ how are you feeling this week ?” We both know it gives permission for a more honest response than “ how’s your week been ?”
We have been best mates for 40 years but only started to talk about stuff like this in the last 2-3 years. Crazy I know but this simple question helps us both.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
You’re American aren’t you? I think private therapists are a different beast to what most people experience through IAPT on the NHS. I know if I’d given up after my first couple of NHS therapists I’d have gone away believing therapy was worse than useless. Finding a private therapist who I could trust made all the difference. Agree with you, he gave me tools to handle things and my MH has never been back (touch wood) to the levels it was. Of course divorce helped there, but even that he was hinting at in hindsight.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
I would also say male mental health is very different from female in my opinion and a lot of talking therapy is set up for women. Finding someone who ideally is a bloke but at least understands how to talk to them is huge IMO. Shop around people. Don’t assume the first second or even third experience is what they’re all like.
This is what I used when looking:
www.bacp.co.uk
This is what I used when looking:
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
BACP is the professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. We exist for one simple reason - counselling changes lives
www.bacp.co.uk
Wyken Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
I absolutely despise the term 'man up'
You are not weak if you need help
Please talk to someone, anyone!
Sent from my Pixel 10 using Tapatalk
You are not weak if you need help
Please talk to someone, anyone!
Sent from my Pixel 10 using Tapatalk
Terry_dactyl
Well-Known Member
There’s a ton of evidence that supports that talking therapies help. Also a ton of evidence that supports that the most important aspect of any therapy is the relationship between therapist and person going to see them.I would also say male mental health is very different from female in my opinion and a lot of talking therapy is set up for women. Finding someone who ideally is a bloke but at least understands how to talk to them is huge IMO. Shop around people. Don’t assume the first second or even third experience is what they’re all like.
This is what I used when looking:
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
BACP is the professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. We exist for one simple reason - counselling changes lives
covcity4life
Well-Known Member
Talk to someone. But then as I found out expect to get it thrown in your face on SBT when you argue about the meaning of the word mediocre...
Talk to a counceller guys. It does help. Unfortunately you can't trust people on here as nice as it would be to be able to do that.
Talk to a counceller guys. It does help. Unfortunately you can't trust people on here as nice as it would be to be able to do that.
Sky Blue Pete
Well-Known Member
That really hit me that’s a lovely thing to do
Some great messages on here. As a woman, it’s pretty routine for me and my friends to talk to each other if we are upset or stressed about something. I think we all feel it’s natural to be in that position from time to time. Do we do it proactively enough, I’m not sure. Likewise do we all do it when we really need to. I know the talk happens often enough to know it really helps. I really like that question above, how are you feeling this week? It’s really open and welcoming of a proper conversation about how you’re feeling.
Bad Boy
Well-Known Member
May he find light happiness and peace
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
I personally found CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy - not cock and ball torture for those with dodgy search histories) to work really well for my “I want a solution not a chat” mindset that I think a lot of blokes have. I also just found the standard issue floaty middle aged mumsy woman in a dress wearing beads just did not vibe with me at all. I needed someone I respected who I felt understood what I was going through.
clint van damme
Well-Known Member
This forum never ceases to amaze me.
In a serious chat about mental health I've discovered there's an alternative meaning to CBT related to painful sounding masochistic sexual practices.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
Imagine my relief at the first session! The gimp mask did make real breakthroughs hard though.
Sky Blue Pete
Well-Known Member
I didn’t understand what I was supposed to get out of mine. I think I genuinely do just need to take responsibility for who I am and what I say and do and a little bit of man up is involved. We all have a life to lead don’t we?
really pleased you found something useful
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
So just because this might help someone here’s some of the stuff I’ve tried and how I felt. Really I see it as a set of skills and everyone’s different so I really think just try stuff.
My issue was mainly anxiety. We did some root cause stuff that TBH I still question its utility but it was interesting and got me to think about drivers but also accept as an adult I keep those around intentionally. As part of a group I did some guided meditation around meeting my younger self, this was the part I was say making sarcastic comments in my head and unsurprisingly I felt I didn’t get much out of it.
What really worked was for want of a better word mindfulness and noticing patterns in my behaviour that signalled a negative spiral was coming and being rational about the thoughts my mind was throwing up (basically pulling holes in the statements a depressed mind makes, which I enjoy as people on here will know). Spending some time being aware of triggers and patterns meant that I reached the third person detached view earlier and didn’t spiral. What was a two month depressive episode became one month then two weeks then two days and now is rarely more than a few minutes at best. That shit literally saved my life IMO and I still use it today and taught it to my autistic daughter who was also prone to a mental spiral.
Sky Blue Pete
Well-Known Member
Thanks for sharing I think my main issue is anxiety and I have learnt some similar stuff to you but I don’t think I’ve got it as sorted
chiefdave
Well-Known Member
Covid times was a bit of an eye opener for me. Everyone started taking about how shit their mental health was which made me realise what they were describing as a big decline caused by lockdown was how I feel all the time.
Did a few online tests which all came back with severe stress (no surprise there), severe anxiety (probably severe was a bit surprising but undiagnosed anxiety very clearly runs through my Mums side of the family) and severe depression (which was a bit of a surprise to say the least).
Mentioned it to the doctor who gave me some pills which made me feel like absolute shit and suggested a referral to mental health services.
Few weeks later I had a phone assessment which was done by Mind on behalf of the NHS. Was supposed to be 20 minutes and ended up being over an hour, by the end of it the guy was trying to give me numbers to call in an emergency as he thought I was about to do something. Had to keep saying it was fine, this has been the same as long as I can remember.
When I changed jobs and could no longer have appointments in office hours that was the end of it, no option for appointments at any other time.
The chap from Mind did suggest private therapists but gave me some qualifications to look for which he felt were needed for my situation, when I looked them up the ones who matched the criteria were £150 plus a session. When I'm not paying out over £1K a month for my Dads care home fees might be in more of a position to give that a go.
Did a few online tests which all came back with severe stress (no surprise there), severe anxiety (probably severe was a bit surprising but undiagnosed anxiety very clearly runs through my Mums side of the family) and severe depression (which was a bit of a surprise to say the least).
Mentioned it to the doctor who gave me some pills which made me feel like absolute shit and suggested a referral to mental health services.
Few weeks later I had a phone assessment which was done by Mind on behalf of the NHS. Was supposed to be 20 minutes and ended up being over an hour, by the end of it the guy was trying to give me numbers to call in an emergency as he thought I was about to do something. Had to keep saying it was fine, this has been the same as long as I can remember.
After finally reaching the front of a seemingly never ending waiting list for NHS therapy I was assigned a therapist. It was exactly this, worse than useless. His response to everything was 'what's the worst that can happen' as well as a weird obsession with online dating.
When I changed jobs and could no longer have appointments in office hours that was the end of it, no option for appointments at any other time.
The chap from Mind did suggest private therapists but gave me some qualifications to look for which he felt were needed for my situation, when I looked them up the ones who matched the criteria were £150 plus a session. When I'm not paying out over £1K a month for my Dads care home fees might be in more of a position to give that a go.
Ccfc_Addy
Well-Known Member
I've had bad mental health my entire life. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and GAD and Depression as an adult. I've been on medication for it for several years. I've learned over the years that people have become very receptive and supportive of men talking openly about mental health, to me the stigma is slowly going away.
I had a pretty major blip over the summer that led to me enrolling on a private mindfulness therapy programme. I've gotten to a point where I understand my hideous garbage brain, my various traumas, why my mind works the way it does and why I react the way I do to certain things so there's no value trying to unpack it anymore, but the various techniques and overall mindset change have proved invaluable. Definitely noticed a very positive difference compared to before I did it.
I had a pretty major blip over the summer that led to me enrolling on a private mindfulness therapy programme. I've gotten to a point where I understand my hideous garbage brain, my various traumas, why my mind works the way it does and why I react the way I do to certain things so there's no value trying to unpack it anymore, but the various techniques and overall mindset change have proved invaluable. Definitely noticed a very positive difference compared to before I did it.
eyesee
Well-Known Member
xmas and new year are a particularly difficult time. as it kind of forces you to think about the past, and the future.
so make sure you reach out to all your friends and family, and take the time to check in on the people who live around you who may be on their own.
i remember going through a really difficult time a few years ago (during covid). 2 people that i work with reached out to me to make sure i was ok, and i still feel the impact of that today. in fact, i'm getting quite emotional just typing this. it had such a positive impact on me, and not only got me through it, but has had such a positive impact on my life since. and yet it was such a simple little thing that each of them did, just going out of their way to make sure i was ok, and know that they were there.
it really works, and it really does matter.
so make sure you reach out to all your friends and family, and take the time to check in on the people who live around you who may be on their own.
i remember going through a really difficult time a few years ago (during covid). 2 people that i work with reached out to me to make sure i was ok, and i still feel the impact of that today. in fact, i'm getting quite emotional just typing this. it had such a positive impact on me, and not only got me through it, but has had such a positive impact on my life since. and yet it was such a simple little thing that each of them did, just going out of their way to make sure i was ok, and know that they were there.
it really works, and it really does matter.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
I was very lucky that I could afford it and that my guy wasn’t that expensive (this was 10-15 years ago tho).
One possibly naive hope I have for ChatGPT and the like is it might actually be useful at getting these kinds of therapies out. If it was used properly of course as out the box it’s got some pretty negative effects.
Ccfc_Addy
Well-Known Member
ChatGPT has proven to be pretty valuable to me when I'm spiralling. It's good at reminding me of immediate grounding techniques and has occasionally provided some great moments of insight, of course it also spews a whole load of garbage at me too!
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
A tip for anyone using is if you look into cases where chatbots have enabled some pretty horrific things the man thread seems to be users who reused the same chat over a long time causing the bot to lose its guardrails and become more unhinged.
Always start a new chat. ChatGPT specifically will remember details about you if that’s what you want across chats. But the main issue with these algorithms is long horizon work and they all work best with a fresh context. If you’ve been chatting for a very long time it’s always worth asking “can you summarise this conversation for a new instance so I can continue with fresh context?” And pasting the reply into a new chat window.
Covkid1968#
Well-Known Member
Thanks for sharing....and this feels like an issue - unless you are prepared to pay, the support is just insufficient. And in this day and age...people just cannot afford it.
shmmeee
Well-Known Member
It’s not like other medicine either. I don’t give a fuck if my GP is a useless antisocial arsehole as long as the drugs he prescribes work I’ll be OK in most cases. Therapy is all about personal connections and getting and keeping those people on an NHS salary (and getting rid of useless ones with NHS HR) is easier said than done.
Brighton Sky Blue
Well-Known Member
You’ve had a really shit time of it for years now based on what you’ve been saying regards your dad, work situation and more. Everyone’s here for you and that extends to anything offline you need as well.
mrfr
Well-Known Member
For £60/hour I am willing to give you that permission in writing
