The Confessions Thread (1 Viewer)

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I thought it would be a bit of fun if we had a "confessions" thread - much the same as Simon Mayo on Radio 2.

Your confession can be about anything but it must be true - something to get off your chest! I'll start the ball rolling..................

One afternoon, a few years ago, me and the wife had gone into a pub we had never before been into and ordered a ploughman’s lunch each because we had an appointment to view a property and had about an hour to kill beforehand. After waiting over 40 minutes, I called the staff member over and asked if we would be waiting much longer, as a “ploughman’s lunch” requires no cooking.
She glared at me and spat out the words “D’ya want yer money back?” I was pretty shocked at this and said “No, I’d like the meal we’ve ordered and paid for!” With this, she stormed off behind the bar, bashed open the till and came back to our table where she threw my money down and shouted “Now get out! You’re barred!” I said I’d report her and she just laughed and said “Ha! Who to? I own the place!” We just left but I vowed I would get my revenge one day!
That was about 4 years ago. But as I said, I would get my revenge.
I recently returned to that pub and obviously was not recognised and the same woman still owned it. But before this visit I had popped into my local Bait & Tackle Shop and purchased a bag of maggots. These were then generally tossed and sprinkled secretly around and under tables over the next few minutes. I then drank up quickly and left. I then phoned the local health inspectors anonymously, and reported the sighting of maggots on the floor of the pub. I got her closed down for a week and hopefully a huge fine will follow.
I ask my fellow posters forgiveness, not for getting my revenge on the bitch but for stopping the regulars enjoying their pints for a short while.
 

Otis

Well-Known Member
I once walked into town with my then missus on a Sunday morning, after we had, had a bit of 'session' first thing. We decided we were then hungry and that we would go to McDonald's for breakfast.

We were so in love and were holding hands and smiling all the way into town (about 20 mins walk). I did keep noticing though people looking at us as we passed them and looking at me in particular. My girlfriend was quite a looker, so I thought maybe there was a look of jelousy or somthing.

My missus didn't notice anything and she just had her head in the clouds, so carried on walking, but I would see person after person, looking at me, then at her, then at me again. A few smiled and a few looked slightly confused, a few slightly perturbed.

Anyway, we walked and walked and these encounters kept occurring. We finally got into McDonalds and as we walked to the counter we could see our reflections in the mirrors on the pillars inside the restaurant.

That was when I realised what everyone had been staring at. The morning session we had, had, included quite a lot of my missus sitting on my face and she must have been just starting to come on to her period, cos all around my mouth and under the bridge of my nose was this bright red ring of dried blood. :facepalm:

An almost perfect red ring of blood.

I was mortifed and really embarrassed, so should have walked out, but I was so hungry I just walked up the counter and ordered anyway.

The girl didn't flinch and got me my meal. They didn't offer me ketchup with burger though for some reason.
 
I once walked into town with my then missus on a Sunday morning, after we had, had a bit of 'session' first thing. We decided we were then hungry and that we would go to McDonald's for breakfast.

We were so in love and were holding hands and smiling all the way into town (about 20 mins walk). I did keep noticing though people looking at us as we passed them and looking at me in particular. My girlfriend was quite a looker, so I thought maybe there was a look of jelousy or somthing.

My missus didn't notice anything and she just had her head in the clouds, so carried on walking, but I would see person after person, looking at me, then at her, then at me again. A few smiled and a few looked slightly confused, a few slightly perturbed.

Anyway, we walked and walked and these encounters kept occurring. We finally got into McDonalds and as we walked to the counter we could see our reflections in the mirrors on the pillars inside the restaurant.

That was when I realised what everyone had been staring at. The morning session we had, had, included quite a lot of my missus sitting on my face and she must have been just starting to come on to her period, cos all around my mouth and under the bridge of my nose was this bright red ring of dried blood. :facepalm:

An almost perfect red ring of blood.

I was mortifed and really embarrassed, so should have walked out, but I was so hungry I just walked up the counter and ordered anyway.

The girl didn't flinch and got me my meal. They didn't offer me ketchup with burger though for some reason.

I don't know whether to like this or puke.
 

harvey098

Well-Known Member
Wow Houchen, getting a pub closed for a week because your sandwich was 40 minutes late 4 years ago? Think you need a hobby old boy
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
Wow Houchen, getting a pub closed for a week because your sandwich was 40 minutes late 4 years ago? Think you need a hobby old boy

The sweet taste of revenge is much nicer when it's matured for a while! I ALWAYS get my own back! (and I'm not talking about pissin' into the wind!) ;) Also, it wasn't due to the fact that my meal (NOT sandwich) was late, it was because the bitch was downright rude, had an attitude and barred me for no reason!
 
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Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
I had a fling with a married woman who was 25 when I was 17
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
I've had a few of those Daz! (Two sisters-in-law included! ;))
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Funniest thing was I knew a lot of lads who fancied her and all said how lucky the husband was, Also pulled a millionaires daughter when I was 18, one of the beneits of having parents who owned a pub they enjoyed a Wednesday night out and regularly visited my auntie in Manchester and never come back till the very early hours so I got friendly with a few barmaids over the years And I was quite slim and good looking in those days
 

chiefdave

Well-Known Member
Funniest thing was I knew a lot of lads who fancied her and all said how lucky the husband was, Also pulled a millionaires daughter when I was 18, one of the beneits of having parents who owned a pub they enjoyed a Wednesday night out and regularly visited my auntie in Manchester and never come back till the very early hours so I got friendly with a few barmaids over the years And I was quite slim and good looking in those days

If you'd stuck with her we might not be in this mess now, you could be our new Joy!
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
She got in with our family really quickly charmed me mum and dad with tickets for a show me mum wanted to see, but the girl was very strange
Met my wife when just before my 19th birthday and been with her ever since
Had some good times though
 

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Apart from my first shag bein a sofa.......I also banged one of me exs mums while my ex was in hospital tbf proud of that one, I also had started seeing a bird and it was gonna be our first shag so I was doing the usual having a wank before on the sly so I would last longer in the toilet in the dark and me gran walked in and walked straight back out,
 

Otis

Well-Known Member
When I was 19 and my then girlfriend was 16, we were messing about in the hallway of my house and I had her stripped topless on the floor.

I then decided it might be a good idea to tie her up as a joke, so got some string and tied her hands and feet behind her back. She was lying on her back on the floor with her tits out and her hands tied and I was sitting over her.

She she started screaming (play acting) to be untied and as she did, a knock came on the front door.

Instead of quickly untying her I just panicked and ran off upstairs, leaving my girlfriend topless on the floor, which then made her scream at me a little louder and not in such in a playful way this time. The screaming resulted in the man knocking on the door pressing his face against the full length pane of glass adjacent to the front door and him having a good look into the hallway.

My girlfriend split up with me shortly after.
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
I was working in a residential unit for people with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease when I was younger, I was on an early shift on a Sunday morning but had been out the saturday night I had a kebab the night before.
Anyway in the morning I had awful farts, the staff were complaining about the smell, I said one of the old boys shit himself so took him off to get bathed
 

Otis

Well-Known Member
I remember a mate of mine telling me in complete confidence that one time he woke up one morning after quite a raucous party to find himself in bed with someone licking his balls.

He said at first he was merely just enjoying it, but as he properly awoke, he couldn't remember much at all about the previous night, or who the girl was, so he pulled back the bedsheets to uncover the girl in question, only to find it was the house owners pet Collie dog licking him.

As I say, he told me in confidence and I swore that I would never ever tell anyone else, but I couldn't quite hold my tongue as I should and without him knowing I had smentioned it to anyone, I told a few other friends within our circle. He spent the next few months thinking his secret was safe.

Anyway, after a few months had passed we were all invited to a wedding, where there was a carvery buffet.

We were all queuing up for the food and this mate in question, Jez, was just in front of me in the queue. He was there selecting his accompaniments to go with his roast and without thinking i just couldn't resist piping up and loudly coming out with, 'When Jez said he fancied a bit of cauli most people thought he was talking about the vegetable!' Of course, all the other friends burst out laughing.

With that though, this Jez knew immediately that I had blurted out the secret to everyone and to the entire circle it was common knowledge.

He wasn't best pleased.

He did go on to be my best man at my wedding though, so he got his revenge in allowing me to marry my missus.
 
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olderskyblue

Well-Known Member
A guy I used to work with confided in me over a few beers many moons ago, a tale about him and his best mate and wife.

Now, this guy was a really good looking guy, and a hit with most of the ladies, hence he had not settled into a relationship at that time (He was enjoying himself too much). Anyway, he had just split from his latest girlfriend, and his mate invited him to go out on the lash with him and his wife.

After a solid night's drinking, and then a few more back at his mates place, they all crashed out on the carpet. The next thing he knows is a hand sliding inside his jeans and having "fun" with him. Now, he always reckoned his mates missus fancied him, and drunk as they were, he decided to let it go it's course...

In the morning, all was normal...raging hangovers all round, and not a word about what happened was said between him and his mate's wife.

About 6 months later, he got a call from this girl who wanted a shoulder to cry on, as they had just decided the marriage was over....because her husband had confessed he was gay..!!

Came as a complete shock to him about his best mate, but he was even more mortified when he realised that it may not have been her that had pleasured him... The fact that she never ever came on to him after the split seemed to confirm it in his mind....
 

Astute

Well-Known Member
We need an incognito button for this thread :D
 

Sky_Blue_Daz

Well-Known Member
Only told my wifebthis a few months ago
I stopped someone from commiting suicide, he was a chap who I worked with I knew he had depression but never realised how much he struggled. He tied a rope round some goalposts and stepped of a ladder luckily I got there and managed get there to stand on the ladder to lift him above the goalposts I managed to get another colleague to loosen the rope.
 

Otis

Well-Known Member
Only told my wifebthis a few months ago
I stopped someone from commiting suicide, he was a chap who I worked with I knew he had depression but never realised how much he struggled. He tied a rope round some goalposts and stepped of a ladder luckily I got there and managed get there to stand on the ladder to lift him above the goalposts I managed to get another colleague to loosen the rope.


I never realised that Jonathan Gould believed he was so bad! :eek:
 

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Been toying with the idea of getting a onesie but am getting mixed reviews from mates, about them being for women. What you think?

Weirdly I'm more bothered about admitting this than I was that I used to nob me sofa
 
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Otis

Well-Known Member
Been toying with the idea of getting a onesie but am getting mixed reviews from mates, about them being for women. What you think?

Weirdly I'm more bothered about admitting this than I was that I used to nob me sofa

Get something you can both fit snuggily into. I guess they are called Twosies.
 

Brighton Sky Blue

Well-Known Member
Been toying with the idea of getting a onesie but am getting mixed reviews from mates, about them being for women. What you think?

Weirdly I'm more bothered about admitting this than I was that I used to nob me sofa

Get a sofa onesie so that anybody who knows you won't go near it.
 

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Get something you can both fit snuggily into. I guess they are called Twosies.
Do you mean me Mrs? If so mate it's bad enough sleeping next to the sweaty arse nevermind getting in a onesie with her
 

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
Had a scare today not only am I getting a bend in me nob but today when I got up went for a piss and noticed me nob was bright orange panicked then remembered I was eating watsits late last night
 

wingy

Well-Known Member
Had a scare today not only am I getting a bend in me nob but today when I got up went for a piss and noticed me nob was bright orange panicked then remembered I was eating watsits late last night

Was due to fly out of Luton @5.30am for a Holiday In Crete around 12 years ago with my little one after separating from her mum.

So got up around 3am and gathered everything together ready for the off .

Thought I'd just have a quick wee prior to leaving and my pee was bright Red.

I was dumbstruck and seriously worried what might be wrong with me ," what If I'm I'll ",What shall I do "," I can't not take her and lose this break" .

So I chanced It ,got the other side and settled In .

Went for the next one and all was normal, turned out the salad I'd had the night before was heavy on the Beetroot . :facepalm:
 

skybluedan

Well-Known Member
My mrs straight away told you, you have always got your hands down your pants, couldn't really argue could say I was caught orange handed or orange nobbed
 

Houchens Head

Fairly well known member from Malvern
C'mon lads! As Wingy says, these are great! Keep 'em coming! I remember another naughty confession of mine................

Years ago, when I worked at the old Morris Engines factory in Courthouse Green, there was a young apprentice who really wasn't very "street-wise" if you know what I mean. One day, I bought a bar of Ex-Lax chocolate from the chemist and took it out of the wrapper. I then wrapped it in foil put it in my lunch-box and at break-time, offered it to the apprentice. I just said I wasn't that hungry so he could have it if he wanted. He ate the whole bar in one go.
Seeing as just ONE square will ease constipation, you can imagine how his guts were after a whole bar! He wasn't in for the next couple of days! :claping hands:
 

olderskyblue

Well-Known Member
C'mon lads! As Wingy says, these are great! Keep 'em coming! I remember another naughty confession of mine................

Years ago, when I worked at the old Morris Engines factory in Courthouse Green, there was a young apprentice who really wasn't very "street-wise" if you know what I mean. One day, I bought a bar of Ex-Lax chocolate from the chemist and took it out of the wrapper. I then wrapped it in foil put it in my lunch-box and at break-time, offered it to the apprentice. I just said I wasn't that hungry so he could have it if he wanted. He ate the whole bar in one go.
Seeing as just ONE square will ease constipation, you can imagine how his guts were after a whole bar! He wasn't in for the next couple of days! :claping hands:

That's a shitty thing to do..........
 

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