Jokes - Page 4

pagey89 · 22-09-2008

There was a wee mouse called Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
It wasn't for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But just for the cheese underneath

pagey89 · 22-09-2008

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.

Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,..........

He should have quit while he was a head!!

pagey89 · 22-09-2008

Simon at last gets to live he dream and appears on Stars in your eyes. When he comes on in his wheelchair Matthew asks him what happened to him. 'I was travelling with my uncle in his car at 90mph and we crashed, my legs were completely cut off and my uncle died, but at least they saved me by sewing his legs onto my body'. 'Thats desperate news' said Matthew, 'but tell me who are you going to be tonight'?

'Tonight Matthew im going to be Simonhalfuncle'!!!!

ccfcadz · 22-09-2008

oh yum sounds tasty

Bunnykins · 08-10-2008

Good one PMSL

Bunnykins · 15-10-2008

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

ccfcadz · 15-10-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bunnykins

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

That isnt as funny the second time you read it

ccfcadz · 15-10-2008

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Bunnykins · 15-10-2008

Royal mail have just issued a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on it.Sadly its had to be withdrawn as 75% of men dont know how to lick it properly